Moving on, Looking back

No more puking so I figured it was time to get a post up that did not focus on that. Instead I am looking back a little.

Last week I talked to my psychologist about how part of what is difficult is that I don't have a good context to apply to "the worst I've ever felt". I know that I've learned to define this differently a number of times over the years. I am pretty sure that how I felt the last 2 months is pretty comparable to what put me on disability 3 years ago and this time I did not miss one day of work. The thing is that a year ago this time I was very, very sick and I have almost no memory of it. There really isn't all that much I remember from early April until late June-early July. So he read me some of his notes to show me. They were kind of scary and I know that he was editing. I still don't remember more than I did really aside from now I've got those stories, and one thing he told me about I did remember that I was very angry at him over, but that's about it.

This week has a landmark in it. I went on disability on April 24 last year. For the next few weeks I fought to get back on meds, get to my real doses, and get levels drawn. To get levels drawn I had to go 5 days without throwing up. It was really hard but I did get the levels done on May 8. On May 9 I got a call from my psychiatrist telling me she knew why I had been so sick, that my lithium level was really high and my thyroid was no longer functioning. I made an appointment with my regular doctor to deal with the thryoid the next day and lowered my lithium dose per her instructions. It did not matter. That night I was so very sick. I thought I would die I threw up so much. I laid on the bathroom floor and cried and threw up so hard I wet my pants and laid in a puddle of pee because I was too sick to clean up. After hours of this I finally was able to crawl into bed, and after a few more hours I could tolerate tiny sips of water. My doctor saw me as an emergency at 8:15 and remarkably I wasn't seriously dehydrated. Nausea medicine, clear liquids, and several days without lithium finally helped.

It's not an anniversary I want to celebrate. But it certainly does put this year in better perspective.