I'm still struggling with the emotional turmoil of losing my mood stabilizer. I just don't have much to say; I can't focus well enough to even write a full sentence conveying what I want to say, so I am just not saying anything. I'm angry and frustrated and tired, none of which changes anything at all. There's no point in talking about the unfairness; it is unfair but saying that does not change anything. Plus nobody promises us fairness in life. I'm fighting all kinds of off-the-wall thinking that I know is from the assault to my brain, but which still is hard to handle. I very much want to impulsively quit my job because I'm frustrated with it, and yet I know that's my thinking being bizarre. Then my thinking will change and I'll consider how little I want to live, and how I feel about facing 40, 50, or 60 more years of this illness. I vacillate between wanting to scream, to cry, to laugh, and to hide where nobody can find me.
Such is the joy of needing meds......
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2 comments:
Such is the joy. You can do this, though. You are strong and will make it 40, 50, or 60 more years. Maybe in the next four they'll find a CURE for us crazies.
<3
I know you are hurting, but what you are feeling is temporary. I know, people tell me that every depression I have, and I don't believe it. I have looked through your med list, and you are definately not out of options. There is also ECT, if it comes to that. I just saw a study which showed that lithium after ECT did a pretty good job preventing relapses. (It didn't in my case, but then I don't respond normally to many mood stabilizers.)
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