Explanation

A long time has passed between posts....

Things are kind of weird right now. I'm in the middle of some thyroid adjustments and thyroid symptoms are similar to depression, so I can't really tell them apart. I'm also working on new stuff with Dr. Mind that is extremely hard, possibly the hardest stuff I've addressed with him. That alone makes me pretty tired and sometimes just plain old sad.

Two years ago I spent much of the summer on disability and seeing Dr. Mind twice weekly. For all of those hours we talked mainly about the grieving for things I lost thanks to this illness. Some things that make me sad are such minor things in comparison to most of life's tragedies, but at the same time there is a lot that I'll always be sad I've never experienced.

I thought at that time that what we'd discussed was hard enough and that it covered most everything. However, at that time I was still plenty sick, and still far from well enough to see much of what was missing in my life.

Now things are different. I've been relatively stable for 7 months. I'm trying to learn some new skills, like sorting out "normal" from "something to worry about". And I am finally well enough to care about things that I stopped caring about long ago.

Years ago the friend I trusted more than anything in this world came to me during a time when the depression was scarily deep and said a lot of things that were unfair. They reflected her lack of knowledge of the topic she was addressing, but she managed to convince me that I wasn't worth knowing, that I was not doing what God wanted and I couldn't get better unless I did specific things spelled out by her that would change my relationship with God. Eventually this ended our friendship.

For the years since then (6 1/2 of them) I have refused to have friends. I have not wanted to get hurt again. There are other reasons I've not formed friendships, closely correlated with being bound to A/C in the summer, noise sensitivity, etc. Plus I thought it was easier to not risk being hurt like that again, because I'm pretty sure I could not handle it again. I also just haven't found a good way to trust people, or desire to really try. That just never seemed like something that could be a major way energy was expended.

For the last while I've been forcing myself to talk my way through some of this. I have a long way to go, and it's painful enough that I cry the entire way through each discussion. This week I took a day to not hit anything painful because I was feeling overwhelmed.

Doing this takes all my strength. That's why I'm quiet lately. It's for a very good reason, and it's a really big step FORWARD in my life. Only a year ago it seemed like that direction was impossible. Doing this has re-opened very painful old wounds, plus it has involved a great deal of anticipation each week in the days before therapy, then for several days after I'm recovering. I'm also expending huge amounts of energy trusting Dr. Mind more than I have ever done before.

So, good stuff going on, but lots of needs for alone time and peace.