Hodge-Podge

1) For the person searching for "bipolar and steriods", what happens is mania. And it is NOT pleasant. Rage, beyond all imagination. I had this happen when I took steroids for a rash and thanks to the rash deciding that the original locations weren't enough, it needed to take over my entire body, I wound up on a lot. I wasn't diagnosed yet and had no idea what was going on. It was actually quite scary. There was once this guy that I was in grad school with was pestering me about something. I was rightfully angry with him for something and kept telling him not to talk to me about it right then, I was angry, and after I calmed down I would talk to him. He kept it up, getting in my face, and I blew up at him. Loudly, in public, and so that he's probably NEVER messed with a woman since.

2) I was diagnosed with a moderate mixed episode the other day. The diagnosis has been coming for a long time; I've been symptomatic for 6 weeks and enough so that Dr. Mind wanted Dr. Brain involved several weeks ago. I got 2 med changes and sent back to my regular life, with the goal being that I won't be overly sedated but will lose the symptoms. There's a huge risk involved, as we upped my antidepressant, something normally very much against the rules in summer.

I don't feel great, but also don't feel anywhere as bad as I know I can feel. I have had moderate episodes much, much worse than this. I still feel I'm in control, and I even feel that some of what is occurring is a result of my choices to deal with some painful parts of my life. I'm well enough to take that kind of risk, for the first time ever. I don't doubt I'll get well.

At the same time, it's a mixed episode. I'm now on suicide check-ins as an automatic. I have no strong desires, but I can't say that the usual "I do NOT WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN, how do I stop it from happening for the rest of time?" thoughts are there.

Mixed episodes are generally accepted as being about the worst mood experience ever. Someone who hasn't had one cannot understand. And from my perspective I think you have to have had repeated ones to truly understand. I've never seen a statistic, but I'd be shocked if most suicides among bipolars don't happen in mixed episodes. It's the only time I make truly horrid decisions.

So my weekend was spent trying to adjust to this. I don't make major pronouncements at work about how I feel at any time, although I do talk about bipolar in general. Nobody knows, to my knowledge, that this is an episode for me, or how much I'm struggling.

One of my co-workers tends to always have something wrong with her. I realize I probably sound like that on this blog as I talk about the various health issues BP has caused me, but truly I don't do this elsewhere. Today it was depression and desperately needing antidepressants and she can't face working until the meds kick in and various things. I'm sorry for her, I know how badly it stinks to realize you need meds long after it would have helped to start them, but at the same time my patience is quite thin. My med changes are to powerful drugs and have a high risk and I'm just quietly waiting and not letting my life be disrupted. It also doesn't help that this leads to everyone talking about when they've felt like they were suicidal, and lots of jokes about hospitalization. I don't hear anyone describing true suicidal ideation, not the kind that you cannot shake for days on end no matter what you do, the kind you scream at your brain to stop.

I'm just frustrated that I have to call this "a normal part of life" and for her it's a big, huge deal.

3) Well, actually I forget 3. So more later.....