Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Easier day

I had a rough night with my cat and I taking turns waking.  But once I got going I had a better day, one of the few I haven't thought of suicide in more than fleeting words in a very long time.  And so far I think I've only cried once.  I had dinner at my mom's, then we skyped with my niece for a while.  She's counting to 5, recognizing letters, and filling in words to songs.  She also kept rolling her eyes, which apparently she only does with my mom and I.  She was so, so excited to see me kept yelling "Jen!Jen!Aunt Jen!" while rolling her eyes so my sister asked if I roll my eyes at her.  OF COURSE.  There is a goofy little song about a frog I've been singing her all her life about at about 11 months she latched on to it and kept signing frog whenever she saw me.  Part of the song involves rolling my eyes and sticking out my tongue and she thinks it is HILARIOUs.  Now she's figured out eye-rolling.  She is just beginning drinking from an open cup.  This involves my sister giving her a tiny bit, she sips, then she turns the cup totally upside down, hands it to my sister and say"pour?".  She's absolutely amazing.  I am watching her one day next week and am hoping to build up to once a week as my sleep corrects.  I also laughed at what parents do for kids.  Several years ago a stray cat showed up at my sister's.  My brother-in-law fed it.  She's a sweet cat but my sister just didn't want one then, especially not a non-spayed pregnant one.  The cat LOVES my niece.  I took maybe 100 pictures one day in the fall and in a vast majority when blown up the cat is somewhere in the background.  Well, the cat lives in the house now...
It was so fun to just watch her play.

I even was good and took a walk.  Drs. Brain and Mind talked yesterday and while I don't really know about what it seems that there are going to be some things I am told and expected to do and exercising out of my house is one of them.  So I parked just inside the town, walked up to pay my water bill and then took a convoluted route back to the car.  It's tricky to get a long walk in a small town.  Not that long matter, I think a mile is good and I'm sure I got that.  Don't tell but both of my last 2 walks have actually be really stress-relieving.  It's just hard when I'm not sleeping and feel so depressed.  It seems unfair that the treatment for depression is to be active when that's so far from what feels right.

The only time I cried today was sending an email asking if I can come in next week to return the stuff belonging to my company and get my own things.  Dr. Brain is reminding me I really need to do this and get it over with and I sob at the mention/thought because it is so final.  But when it is over it is over and that's a good thing.  Actually there will be one more thing, I want to write a thank-you to everyone I worked with to go in the "good work" box for recognition.  We'll see if the day I asked about works; I want to try to do it when my mom can drive because I don't know I'll be in good shape to drive afterward.  I can't explain how hard it will be to get my things out of my desk for the last time.  I've so rarely even had a desk, much less a cubicle and while I'm fairly sure that others have been using it by this point I also assume my things are there where I left them.

Anyway, one round of tears is an easy day lately.  And I need to get set up to maybe fall asleep since tonight I actually remembered to make the med adjustment I needed to make last night.


Michal Ann said...

Jen, this is a great report. Shhh! I won't tell that the walks have made you feel better. Darn! You reminded me of the phrase "Do right to feel right." I'm often waiting to "feel" like it before I act. You reminded me that you can make a good case for taking action with feelings following.

You are SUCH a great Jen! Jen! Aunt Jen! Just wait until you can take her out for walks. You'll have so much fun going at her pace and seeing the world through her little eyes. I love to hear about her antics. What a special wonderful girl...with a cat, too!

Yes, I know it will be very sad to go to the workplace. I think people will be very kind and affirming just as you intend to be when you write thank-yous. You can cry ALL YOU NEED TO because it's a loss! We know you have much to gain as you change directions but nevertheless, this hurts! Remember that feeling sad and acting suicidal are NOT the same thing. Genuine sadness is truth, self-destruction is a lie.

I've done homework and a little housework and really need a good sleep, too.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord both of our souls to keep!

(((hugs))) Michal

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,

I've been reading but not commenting. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

You are still continuing to amaze me by the way you are taking care of business/keep walking forward one step at a time. Those steps have been icky with all of the paperwork, worry, financial yuck you've been dealing with. Not to mention your feelings about not working.

Yeah, give yourself permission to cry, huh? Going to gather your belongings is SAD and there's no other way around it. I hope that amidst the sad you can find some comfort in the fact that you will be missed there. I feel for you though... I personally loathe those emotional types of situations.

Good to hear about "Adventures with Auntie Jen" - always makes me smile!

I don't know that you can see or feel it, but you seem a lot more yourself lately. Gosh, the things you are dealing with. But you keep on. You deal. I think you are healing. Do you?

I will try to pipe in more. I've missed reading all of the comments on Team Jen.