Last night I slept about 30 minutes and then was up until 4:30. Yesterday some of the harder stuff in all I'm trying to do hit a little harder and so the emotional response was enough to cause a rough night. I did find some missing papers, so I guess it wasn't totally a lost cause, but I am so tired. I actually skipped going to see my niece so that I could rest. I almost never do that.
I hate it when I am too tired to make progress. Today's grand total of activity was to make one phone call. Hopefully I can work a little more on my nearing completion form for SSDI but I am just tired and sad today. My brain decided I needed a swift reminder of how hard this is just when I thought I was getting good at making this less raw. Turns out not so much. Dr. Mind told me this would happen. It's just hard. Whenever really negative thoughts come I start worrying that I'll be sent back to the hospital. And while the hospital does good things in general there are some really hard parts and I have spent too much time there lately anyway. I know my situation is different and that needing to be there again is not beyond the realm of possibility but I keep remembering this man who was there with me in the fall. They were working very hard with him on finding out what made him prefer to be in the hospital because he kept coming back. This last time was weird enough as I knew where everything was and how everything works as well as anyone could because I've spent so much time there now. I don't want to be the one they are asking why I am so comfortable there and what I'm trying to avoid by being there. I realize that what I am going through buys me some time to feel horrible, but it's hard that I know I can't hide anything from the doctors right now and that if someone says hospital I will be going and will not have room to argue. I am diligently telling the truth when asked, and Dr. Mind promised that I have answer only yes/no unless more is needed, but I need to find out what is acceptable versus what is a signal that I am in trouble. I know he won't be specific but I think it's a lot easier to tell the whole truth when I know that the whole thing is telling, not "I'm telling and then what" as it feels now. I had a few scary moments the last few days when I wanted to make dangerous choices. I didn't and even though I know this is pretty well expected at this point it is still really hard to know how to process it. Especially because I can't get past the fear that someone will get angry with me. Even if both times I have to tell about I did the right thing it just feels like someone should be upset. Dr. Mind and I had talked about this some just before my life blew up and we need to go back.
First though I need sleep. It's killing me that it is only 6:00. I'd love to get to bed by 10, but that is such a dream right now. I am so, so tired of getting to sleep at 3 or 4 AM. It's good that I can sleep after that but not so good that it's become every night. I am hoping Dr. Brain does not tell me I need to use the sleeping pills. I hate how they make me feel and my history is that they only work for short periods. I'm hoping for more seroquel but may still be in the danger zone for too much antipsychotic and a repeat of akasthesia. I believe that I have passed that point but really I know little.
I hope Dr. Brain has gotten in touch with Dr. Mind. That's become an issue in that he's tried and tried to get in contact with her and she's not answered. Which is bad on a lot of levels, including that part of my safety system means that he needs to be able to reach her quickly. This is between them, but it still is annoying.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. I'm just not having a very good day today. It's hard when someone happens and I have to wait 2 days or so to talk to Dr. Mind about it.