Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Needed: One toddler that I can't have

I babysat today and once again it kicked my butt.  I fell asleep at 7 and slept soundly for nearly 5 hours.  I'm waiting on meds to finish working now and soon will be asleep again.  Naturally I have some adorable stories but I'm going to save them for later since I'm mainly just trying to make my cat get in her bed and comfortable so I can go smear antidepressant gel in her ear and give her medication disguised as treats that are apparently as good as kitty crack.

I posted on facebook that I don't need meds, I need a toddler.  My brother teased that he'd like another niece/nephew and I should work on that.  Those are jokes I hate.  What am I supposed to say:  Not passing on bipolar genes but even if I were willing to do that God did not create me to have a baby without help?  I'm sure my brother doesn't have a clue that I have malfunctions in that system because I have never found the time to talk to my brother about ovulation.  I know he wouldn't hurt me for the world.  One of the things I resent about my hopefully soon-to-be SIL is that I know my brother wanted a baby and she did.not. and all things (it seemed) were her decision.  They did concieve apparently and lost the baby.

I just wish people never made that kind of comment.  I never have any idea what to say.  "haha, that would be a miracle since I don't ovulate?" "uh, get right on that" (making me nauseous) "only if you pay for donor sperm and the necessary treatments AND take responsiblity for everything in my life and me when the hormones flip me out.  Before my surgery when I knew that it was likely they'd find something that meant I wasn't likely to have children and was hurting about that Dr. Brain made sure that I knew that since my best chance would be very soon after surgery that if I wanted children she would support that decision although it would be a hard one for me.  It was easy to say no way, that I didn't want to go through all that it would take and that I think I'd be a terrible parent.  I was glad she was honest and that she made sure I knew that she would do what she could to get me through what would be a very difficult high risk pregnancy.  But I also was glad that I had long ago come to terms with this.  The only time I think of it much now is when I don't know what to to say, like tonight.

I feel like I'm rambling because I'm getting sleepy.  More later.


Jean Grey said...

I am always surprised how many people feel that it is their business to comment on my childlessness and/or lack of a husband. When one of my co-workers was bugging me about having children, I actually went so far as to tell her that I had a medical condition that would make it unwise to have children. She then suggested that I adopt. What could I say?

I'm glad you get to see so much of your niece.

Anonymous said...

Jen - I am sorry I haven't been around... my 92 year old dad passed away last night. I will try to catch up when things calm down here.

I just wanted you to know that I "skim" when I can and that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.


Michal Ann said...

Yes, your niece is incredibly special and you're a wonderful aunt and that's the way it is. I'm sorry that you've been wounded. You will continue to have much joy in your role as Super Aunt Jen and it will be the right mix for the family.

I'm at the computer because I've been helping a friend with a legal declaration about child custody and visitation. I worked from the time I got home from school in the afternoon yesterday until 1:30 a.m. without a break. Then I kept falling asleep in a warm (but shallow and safe!!) bathtub until 4:30 a.m. -I was trying so hard to finish it so she'd have it early this morning when she would presumably be able to work on it. When I slept in and then checked email, she'd changed her mind about my editing and said "Don't worry about it. Just read it (33 pages) to get to know me. I'm satisfied that I've made my point with the judge..." I did a LOT of work to make it clearer and improve the timelines, grammar, etc. so I hope she finds time to use my material. I worked another couple hours to polish it up this morning but I haven't heard back from her and I know she has a 90th birthday party for her grandma. Lord, what's up? Why did I work so hard and lose some stuff that didn't save and then hear this morning..."Oh, by the way, don't worry about editing...???"

She's a wonderful friend whom I met at a church. She's a marvelously recovering meth addict who has devoted herself to her two kids, one of whom was born at 6 mos. gestation and had a stroke before birth. He is blind, has cerebral palsy and more. His condition was due to his premature birth brought on by pre-eclampsia and apparently has nothing to do with her drug use in the first trimester. She has a perfectly healthy and bright daughter born about 18 months later after the same start. BTW, she'd also had extensive unsuccessful fertility treatments in a prior marriage and was flabbergasted that she became pregnant. She's now a healthy, recovering and uber-devoted loving mother. Born again, of course, and leaning heavily on Christian support of all kinds. Her large church even has a special needs kids Sunday school class.

(So don't talk to me about having kids as an accessory. I don't mean YOU but so many people think it's "cute" to have a baby. It's an incredible responsibility from pre-conception until eternity ends.)

The kids' dad is an active user, grower and dealer who hasn't shown any proper interest in his kids, especially the disabled son, and now wants visitation and has even threatened to take custody of the healthy daughter. Please pray that the judge orders him to get treatment, parenting classes, etc. I'm pretty sure he won't jump through those hoops. My friend wants their kids to have a healthy dad but of course, doesn't want them exposed to him in his current state. Please pray if you're so moved.

We just had a horrible tragedy in our area which received national news coverage when Josh Powell torched his home and two little sons when he didn't get his way with visitation so it's unnerving to have crazy men running around.

Hope your night went well! So you're a Facebooker?

I'll find a scripture for us and then get away from this screen.

"I am praying the Holy Spirit infuses you with His strength and His hope!" Psalm 18:32

Michal Ann said...

Becky, your comment came in while I was writing the novella above.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father's death. I will pray now for your peace, comfort and stamina today and in the coming days. I've lost both parents at much younger ages and it's tough. You've had your dad as a fixture in your life for so many years. Isn't it strange to walk the earth that is somehow changed because he's not here, too?

Blessings, Becky.

In Jesus' love, Michal

BTW, Jen, please send my note to Becky because you have her email and she might be too busy to read this comment. Thanks.