I did it. I had things very organized so it was fast. People seemed to have been told to not talk to me or make a fuss. So nobody said goodbye. And that made it tear-free. Until a facebook message a minute ago anyway.
It helped that I was sort of mad because I clearly have not been coming back for longer than it has been since I resigned. My cubicle was free of my things which were in drawers and some of my things (cards, a Christmas ornament I liked enough to use it all the time) were just gone. And while I can see someone assuming those weren't meaningful items they were the last time I will get recognition for my work (the as needed work I'll do in the future will never get acknowledged) and I did want them. I probalby wouldn't have kept them too long, I am not muh of a saver, but I would like to have had the option.
Last night I tried to go to sleep and the I'm mad things finally started coming. I know that I need to deal with those feelings because they are keeping me suicidal but they also protected me today. I wrote pages of things I'm angry about and plan to continue it tonight.
I did have one extremely nice thing today; my mom's male friend sent me tulips AND candy. I hadn't even thought about this falling on Valentine's, but he made it so, so much easier by giving me something really happy. My mom just gave me chocolate which I desperately needed.
The other thing that happened today was that I have a cold. I'm not very sick but I don't feel great and I think that made me calmer because I wanted to sleep.
My niece asked to skpe tonight so I got to talk to her. The kid gets more and more amazing. I asked if the doctor found potatoes in her ears; she knew this was a joke and responded appropriately. She's easily counting to 5 and identifies most colors. She is making jokes and knows when something is funny.s She's pretending (she pretended to comb my hair through the computer screen; I live in fear of toddlesrs with combs beause my hair is far too curly to comb without a special comb. She even made sure to introduce her uncle to granma and I when he came in the room and made sure everyone was aquainted. The pediatrician was rather blown away by her verbal skills.
OK, my cat is making typing impossible and she is mostly here because she knows when I'm upset so I'll stop for now. It is not the relief I hoped for but it was not the circus I dreaded either. And I don't have to repeat that one.