Tuesday I go to turn in the stuff belonging to my company and retrieve the things belonging to me. I am dreading this. I know getting it over with is best, and Dr. Mind reminded me it would hurt a lot and cause unneeded hurting and anxiety if I wait as it won't get easier, but I don't want to. This is the most concrete thing I will have done in the whole quitting process (writing the resignation was something that I managed to do while protecting myself with layers of concrete and the distance of email) but this time I have to see people and talk to people and put my stuff in a bag and walk away from my cubicle. I probably have to cry in public and I'm sure I'll have to say some good-byes although I do not want to.
I just sorted through my bag that had forms and medical phone numbers and recourses and electrical stimulation pads and gadgets and the like. It was what held my computer and it went everywhere with me. When removed everything in the bag I found an enormous supply of feminine hygiene products that reminded me what I was going through last summer and I found a stack of business cards. I promptly burst into tears. I never had the cards before and really liked being able to give them out without having to write down a bunch of stuff. I also felt official and professional with them. And since I am not very likely to have a real job again and nobody will buy cards for someone working as sporadically as I will be when I get that far these will be the last I have, unless I make my own to feel better. Which would probably not be worthwhile.
Regardless this plus one ugly nightmare last night have me in a crummy mood and I am afraid that this will be continuing through the next few days until this is over with.
I am so tired of things hurting.