Dr. Mind told me yesterday that I should be aware that just because I felt a little less crushed yesterday than I had been that I was not done feeling bad. This is hard enough to go through and then the part where it was thrown at me with no warning and the part where I wasn't doing all that fabulous to begin with all add up to this is going to be hard.
Like I said last night parts are hard. Some things are ok in that I do them and they are hard but they are done. And having them done feels really good.
Today was actually pretty good. It was gorgeous outside and I went to my mom's and we took the dogs for a walk and had supper. Non-frozen cooked food is an incredible treat right now. And as I got tired the more symptoms I had to fight. Which is frustrating. Right now because I'm on such a tight watch for safety issues it is even harder because every time a thought of self-harm goes through my head I know that I'm going to be talking about it. So for now we're up to 2 things to talk about Thursday, which is so frustrating to know in advance, even though I also know I have to talk about it so I don't go back to the hospital. The hard thing is that for so long I had myself so firmly convinced that I couldn't tell anyone or I'd have to go to the hospital and would be stopped that it's really hard to turn that around into it's ok to tell, hiding gets you sent to the hospital. I just wish there were a way and somehow time to make me not dread this part. I think I need to talk to Dr. Mind about this, but with so much happening I don't know if he's going to feel it's a good time to take things on more that when I have to do.
I did just impress myself. In grad school I saw one psychiatrist for a couple years and then he died. So I saw this woman psychiatrist about once. She suggested I was bipolar, I left, we attempted a med change and she changed her mind midstream, and then I graduated. I'm trying to give every single possible doctor to give as much information as possible. I managed to come up with her name without having to desperately search. No clue how that stuck in my head but it did. Chances are good those records are destroyed but I'm trying to show that I have been being treated for this for many years. I'm going back 15 years since I know further back the records are definitely gone.
Otherwise if you get interested in my progress with all of this in the right sidebar there is a new page keeping track of what is done.
Have a good evening.