When you were spiraling down last Nov and Dec, if one of "us" here would have asked you point blank if you felt suicidal, would you have answered honestly? Again, not sure that is an appropriate question, so ignore if you want.
The answer is no. There are a few reasons. It's hard to explain but I was living 2 lives. Part of me was ready to give up. I don't think that part had a lot to say. And on the other hand I was aware that I was having passive thoughts (wish I could die) but that happens a lot. I think I was protecting myself from the scary things I must have been thinking and it wasn't until I was not fighting to stay safe (in the hospital) that I discovered what a dangerous situation I'd been in. It's very hard to explain this because my memories seem to have 2 levels to them. The suicidal stuff was of course part of the depression, but it's almost like the depression was severe enough that I was getting pushed closer and closer to the edge of a cliff but I was mostly blinded by the lack of sleep, profound sadness, anxiety, and horror at how I was living. I did not look too closely at the scary stuff.
Sorry I can't make this make more sense.