I was up until 5 AM this morning because I am so overwhelmed and feeling I need to do this and this and this and this. When I saw Dr. Mind I tried to get out of the class I'm taking because I don't feel up to it and would get more out of it next time it is run. He basically said I could either reduce visits with him and go or I could continue the multiple visits and go. I am in no way ready to not see him as much. So I'm going. But then I took my car for an oil change. It's a long story but someone did massive damage to the thing that lets the oil drain. I knew this and had requested the part yesterday but they sent the wrong on. My car has been making a noise that turns out to mean "you're running out of oil idiot". I did check that and it was fine a few weeks ago but I very nearly ruined my engine. So then they had to call around for the part and drove to the next city to get it and then that was wrong so they had to drive back to the other city and back again (with traffic issues), and then it took 2 men trying as hard as they could to get the broken thing out. They thought they were going to have to replace the entire oil pan. So my quick oil change turned into 3.5 hours and so I missed class because of car problems. That will go over well with Dr. Mind I'm sure.
He said I look terrified. Sounds about right. Things are moving along and that's good. I have a meeting with social security on 2/6 which is apparently the next step of the application. I have other appointments to make but they are waiting for Monday. We are both waiting to hear from Dr. Brain. She tried to call him after I left the other day but he was with the next person. I see her next weekend and I think Dr. Mind is going to see if she can call him at home (which is not something he ever does, he is trying soooo hard to help) during that visit so we can all know what everyone else is saying/thinking. Which is likely to mean they talk, I cry. For someone who was terrified of crying days ago I cry a lot now. Apparently this is stage one in the really fun grieving process that I'm probably going to go through. And now that my depression is back to severe I'm on an even higher level of monitoring. It's so much fun.
I got a whole new perspective today that helps immensely. I said something about being concerned that social security will say that since I worked for 11 years I should be able to do so. Dr. Mind pointed out that I have worked and repeatedly needed long periods of time off work and I have not held down jobs for very long at all. And the reality is that in 11 years I have been off more than a year on disability over time and I've had 7 different jobs, and twice I was fired. So not such a great work history.
And now I have to find something to eat (everything sounds unappetizing except grapefruit so that's the choice I guess) and work hard on getting to sleep since I have to leave about 8 to babysit and lately I've barely been asleep at 8.
Also, I'm sorry because I'm fairly sure this is just plain whiny. I'm tired and cold and crying and it's not working well.