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I don't have much to say tonight. I saw Dr. Mind and cried for 20 minutes or so about the changes in my life and how painful it is to see the things that are changing or gone from my life. And we accidentally went into something I needed to hear but which is still making me cry. I finally brought up how angry I am that I can't make eye contact since I worked so hard to get to the point I could do that. And suddenly out it came how awful I feel and how I keep expecting the doctors to be angry because I promised to tell if I was becoming unsafe and I did not do that. I don't think he had any idea I was feeling like that. A lot of reassurance later I still cry if I think about it but at least finally that came out. He seemed to be fairly horrified that I've been thinking this; I think he thought my ashamed thing was mainly because of my mother and her guilt. Which is a bit part of it (yesterday it finally occurred to me that she thinks I went to the hospital to avoid Christmas) but I also feel so guilty for not following through with the one promise I have ever made to him. It seems he feels guilty for not asking me about it more a month ago. I hadn't thought much about him feeling that he didn't help enough when that happened because I don't think it was him that didn't do things. But it seems he feels bad too because he doesn't know how to make this all better right now. And I know the reaction to my admitting that I am so upset because I lied was real, not just some generalization like "can't change the past".
So I have no idea what to do with this information but at least I went a lot farther than in the last few weeks today.