Monday, January 16, 2012
It has taken me many hours of thinking about my conversation with Dr. Mind to understand one part. It also took a lot of tears; the number of times I've realized I had tears running down my face today has been amazing. Even driving home the plan was to stop and buy fruit. I couldn't because I kept realizing I was crying while driving and I'd rather not cry in the produce department. After he realized what I meant about feeling I had broken the rules and failed and I think (but am not sure) that he also figured out that I feel like I failed because after so many years I got worse when everyone has put so much extra effort into me. I've never heard him speak quite like he did today and I can't explain that so well. But he tried hard to take the guilt and shame away. So much of it is because I promised him years ago that if I had a desire to hurt myself that I would tell him. When that truly was tested I did not keep my promise. So now we have a new system, that I merely need to say yes or no honestly when he asks me and he will ask me much more frequently than in the past. I honestly don't know if I would have answered differently had he asked me about it a few weeks ago. But it is much easier to answer yes or no so I am hoping that this is a positive change in the system, especially now that we know precisely how embarrassing I find it to talk about this. I still feel sad and guilty that I did not do what I knew to do, but I admit it helps to know that the anger I figured he had to feel just wasn't there and it seems mostly he just feels bad for me. That too is sad but it is clear he feels I'm sick and he's not sure what will happen but he seems willing to keep trying everything he can. I didn't think he had given up, but I did think that he would not be happy that I broke the rules. I'm glad that conversation happened.