Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Catching up

Thanks for the concerned comments/emails.  I just haven't had the energy to post.  I am fine, just not used to much noise or stress and getting back into life involves both.  I just get very tired quickly and have been resting.  We had Christmas Monday.  It was weird but presents were enjoyed, food was enjoyed and besides getting quite tired and having a few times I had to walk away from my mother because she was telling me what I could and couldn't say which infuriates me, and once from my sister who was doing a variation of the same thing.  But aside from those things and my brother struggling with his wife leaving him a year ago exactly and having an argument on the phone with her which made him sad it went well.  My niece got to play in snow for the first time.

I finally found out what my mother has REALLY been sniping about.  She got it in her head that if I am on disability that she should keep working to be there if I need help.  This is not something I had said or thought and certainly don't want or expect her to do.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Mind.  He convinced me to take a class though NAMI.  I was hesitant to sign up for it because it is more for people knew at this and I'm not.  I'm new at getting as sick as I did, but not at the whole thing.  He said I need to take it to meet people even though I know enough and have experience enough to teach the class.  So hopefully I meet someone or this will be a long 20 hours.  Taking the class lets me into a smaller support group that meets where I go to counseling and which is on a better night that Sunday which is the big group.

It's funny everyone brought up soup when I was first feeling ready to try.  I really haven't cooked much of anything in a very long time.  This meant that I didn't have ingredients.  I had 2 first choices to make.  I forgot an ingredient for one of them so my first soup is cooking in the crockpot right now.  It's a good, diabetic diet appropriate vegetable soup.  I'm not on a diet yet and am not really following one yet, I'm just trying to do better than I was.  I have too much going on to leap onto a diet and I also haven't heard from Dr. Body whether he wants any labs done.  If he does I'd rather have my normal diet tested than modifying it too much.  I suppose he could be off this week since normally I'd hear from him by now and the holiday did make taking a week off attractive.  I hope I hear today or early tomorrow because I need to have them drawn in the morning. Not that it matters; I'm sure I'll be going for labs next week too.

Tomorrow has all sorts of fun stuff planned.  I bought a fruit tray yesterday that the fruit was pure alcohol.  Because fruit trays are expensive I need to take it back.  Hopefully I'll get my money back.  I'm not sure I have ever returned something to the grocery before.  I also get blood drawn and see Dr. Mind.  Hopefully that can be accomplished without another review of rules and things I should not do.  I added a tiny bit of klonopin after my last post.  I only have a few pills and I checked with Dr. Brain.  Until I added that part Dr. Mind was less than thrilled with me.  I'm not used to rules like that.  I'm used to being allowed to make small changes.  While I know that for now that is not something I can do I am also not interested in pain keeping me from sleeping and if I have a way to help that I will, checking with Dr. Brain as I go.  This is where the new stuff with Dr. Mind to keep me safe gets hard.  I know that I have exactly no leeway right now but that feels so off because it's never been that way.  I know that klonopin is really not something to mess with since it is the medication I was focused on during the suicidal period.  But I don't have enough to do anything even if I wanted to, which I don't.  The aftermath of my last 2 weeks is already getting old.  I know why the rules are as they are but sometimes I feel like I'm being treated like a young child, not an adult.  But that probably is because most adults don't need safe plans and assist to carry those out.  Right now I do and I think it's like to be a very long time before that changes.    It's also hard to go to counseling because I remember so little of recent months so talking about it is difficult.  Dr. Mind said something about he probably should have pushed me harder to do some things differently (something like that) and I'm sure that includes talking more about the suicidal stuff and going to the hospital sooner.  I am sure he felt he was in a corner because if he'd said I was suicidal I would have denied it.  But I can't even be sure what he is referring to.  Things are very blurry in my memory and I'm not sure that will ever change and I'm not sure that changing is that important since the memories probably would only hurt.  I am however struggling with not remembering some of it because it is scary and so much is missing that I am quite sure I was much sicker for much longer than I ever realized.  I think that things crumbled when I tried work and it didn't happen.

Tomorrow is the first time I need to fill a pill box with Dr. Mind letting me into my box.  That's a very weird feeling.

Everyone gets in on this.  My insurance had someone call me from the psychiatric nurses to ensure I was adjusting to home and was safe.  It was weird because it wasn't expected.  I hate going through am I suicidal with a random nurse who knows more than I would have thought.  Even my insurance wants me to go to intensive outpatient.  Too bad there aren't any programs around here that operate the way I need them to.

Hmm, can't think of anything else.  The last 2 days were tiring but not overly interesting.

More when something interesting happens.  I may not post every day 3 times a day anymore and while that's a change I am really fine if I don't post.  It just takes a lot/all of my energy to get back into the swing of things.  It's amazing how little energy I have.  Friday I'm going to babysit my niece so I'm pretty sure that day will be light on posts as will Saturday when I have to go to see Dr. Brain.    Both of those will be hard days.  Hopefully good, but hard.


Michal Ann said...

Nice to catch up with you. I'm sure we all understand fatigue. I like your point about memory...some things are better left behind. You have the wonderful advantage of letting Dr. Mind recall needed things. You also have your blog record if you need to analyze things.

More later...


Anonymous said...

This was part of today's on-line devotional, "God Calling."

Do not plan ahead, the way will unfold step by step. Leave tomorrow's burden. Christ is the Great Burdenbearer. You cannot bear His load and He only expects you to carry a little day-share.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Your little niece will have a wonderful time with you on Friday. I'm so happy for both of you. That's something to look forward to!

Are you saying that the fruit tray is spoiled? Your food plans sound very wise and appropriately moderate. Yum! I should try a crockpot sometime. I just bought a huge one with the intention of heating up stones in water for hot stone massage. They're yummy! Remember you told me that you need massage? Maybe that would "count" as an outing with people contact. I was able to do three pregnancy massages in December with a young woman my friend has taken in. She's overdue and in early labor tonight. Pray for "E?"


Michal Ann said...

Oops, I forgot to click the right box.

Julia Roberts said...

Thinking of you always...

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I totally understand - had to quit blogging most of last year becuase it was all I could do to do what HAD to be done, nothing extra left for anything.

I am glad (although it feels weird to you) that you are surrounded by people who want you to be well and stay well. Having been really sick a few times myself - the sick period (no matter the cause) is really hazy - the sicker you are the hazier it gets. You can't make the memory sharper becuase everything was hazy then, when you are in the midst of trying to keep your head above water, everything else loses focus.

Stay well my friend!! You are bright, intelligent, wonderful person who will come out of all this supervision like a comet swinging around the sun!

Michal Ann said...

WinnyNinny PooPoo, what a beautiful, true comment! I'm off to give another pregnancy massage to the young lady mentioned above, "E." At 5 days overdue, she's still doing yoga and she is hiking as we speak since she's under orders of the midwife to take a good long walk. She wasn't really in "early labor" yesterday after all but is steadily dilating according to this afternoon's visit with the midwife. Please pray if, as Jen qualifies, "you are a praying person."

Off I go, with more prayers for strong and capable Jen.