Last week my therapy session divided itself very clearly into 2 parts. The first half I was so happy about how much better I've been feeling and talking about how I feel better this time, better than I really got from my last big episode.
The second half I cried. Although I am so thankful for feeling better now, I'm still struggling with how much loss there is. I am left with a lot of questions about my quality of life, and whether I would choose to continue this if I had a choice besides suicide. Would I treat cancer? I truly don't know, and I lean towards no. It's a weird thing to think about, and yet it comes up as my brain and body are healing. I still need to regain energy, and my cognition still throws in roadblocks from time to time, but this is really the best I've felt in so long. And it is good, but it isn't normal. It's not what I want for a normal lifespan.
I'm not sure my therapist fully understand what I was saying. Or he just didn't know what to say, since he said the same things to me that I always say to my patients who are talking about wanting to die.
Somewhere in there he asked if I'd had a mood swing or just sad thoughts. I didn't know. I think I guessed, but it bothered me later, because I realized that it actually was a mood swing that had stayed controlled. It dipped down and a few hours later recovered.
I'm not used to this. I've noticed the same thing happen a few more times since, and it feels so odd. I already feel odd because for the first time in years, maybe ever, a major episode has actually corrected to about the same as before. In fact it's probably the same or better and I'm not giving it full credit due to side effects of all the meds. I'm still popping out with words that are not what I mean at all when I'm talking and I still have to think about time orientation a bit, but really those are small things.
Regardless, life has given me a great Christmas gift this year. Hooray!