So I've been thinking a lot. I fell asleep without meds yesterday (marking just about the first day without any anxiety meds since I've been home except when they wouldn't stay down), and so I'm actually awake today. I'll probably take a nap later, but I've been awake for hours. Which is good. I've desperately needed time to just think.
Decision one is simple. I can't find Dr. Body. I therefore have little chance of getting my script for a new ankle brace signed. If they haven't heard anything tomorrow I'm going to suggest that while I know they can't just give it to me, they can't stop me from ordering it myself (it's inexpensive) and if they'll just tell me what size I'll do so. I'm ready to be out of the cast boot. I'm in much less pain now, I'm not so swollen, I can walk on slightly uneven surfaces at home without anything, and the cast boot is holding me back.
Decision two....I'm writing out questions for Dr. Brain for my appt. Saturday. I have a lot, because there are things about the hospital I need to know will never happen again.
This forces me to look through things I wrote during and after.
I'm also getting so very tired of the constant anxiety and low-level depression I've been living with. There's one more increase in Emsam, but they try to never use that dose. Plus I don't want to be on the top dose of anything. I could take a little more Seroquel maybe, but it's never been a super antidepressant for me. So I need to deal with it. And the thing it comes back to is that the hospital was traumatic. Very, very traumatic.
I'm going to let Dr. Mind read my journals. I have to do deal with this, with all of of it, and I think I need to show him the whole to show him what is bothering me still. I know we've talked about this to the point of boredom, yet I am not done. So, I'm going to see if he can find the issues himself since I apparently am not saying what I really need to say.
I think this is vital, because sometime this spring I'm going to have a procedure done that will require (regular, not psych) hospital contact and I know just being in the hospital is hard right now. I had a hard time with it in the ER with the stomach virus. I had an even harder time in the urgent care center because they treated me obnoxiously. This procedure is one that is normally done in a doctor's office (it's called a cystoscopy) and all it involves is a camera into the bladder to see why I pee out a lot of blood, to be sure it's "just" the huge cyst on my kidney (I only know it is huge thanks to overhearing the ER nurses), but because of my history it's way too traumatic for me to tolerate. I've been refusing to do this for 4 years, but the blood is more now and I saw how much there was when I was dehydrated (huge clots, worse than any UTI I've ever had), and that was enough to know something IS wrong and I need to know what. So I told Dr. Body that if he will find a doctor who will do it under twilight anesthesia with a lot of Versed (med that makes you totally forget), and if I'm given sedation from the time I arrive until I leave so that I have no memory whatsoever and no awareness, that I'll do this. There's apparently only one female urologist in the area, so he's going to talk to her and then we'll do it after I'm firmly into my new position, whatever that might be. I'll have to deal with this emotionally as it gets nearer, but right now my idea of hospital is panicky.
Plus the truth is someday I'll be back on that unit and I need to be ok with that. Honestly in a lot of ways I'd be fine if I'd know that one nurse wasn't there, but that's unrealistic. I just know that she made things so very much worse. But I don't get to control that........
Anyway, gotta get ready to go to my mom's for a while.