Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, January 16, 2010

So this is how I feel

I don't think I've talked much on here (and I interrupt myself to say that please forgive me if random letters appear at intervals. This ancient loaner laptop has this horrid problem where it suddenly picks up the cursor and moves it back 2 or 3 lines. I catch it eventually and fix it, but I am paranoid I'll miss a phrase or some letters since if I'm looking away as I often am while enjoying touch typing I sometimes have typed quite a bit before I notice), about the good thing that has happened in the last 10 days.

When I saw Dr. Mind on the 7th he said "you seem better. I see a big change". I denied really feeling better, still aware of low level depression. But 2 days later when I saw Dr. Brain I admitted that I knew what he'd been referring to, and that I was starting to feel "all better". Over the last week this has grown. I'm not 100% better, but I'm also extremely tired and overworked and knowing that this is continuing for at least another week; I'm hurting a lot of the time; I had to make it through my birthday which can be very rough; I had a disagreement with my sister that was one more time I got to confront my childlessness versus she has every right to not enjoy every second of pregnancy; and I'm coping with Dr. Brain's cancer. Which isn't easy, since it's not about me, and yet it scares me. I already opened my mail innocently one July day 10 years ago to a letter that said "We regret to inform you of the death in June 2000 of Dr. Prozac in a boating accident. His death is a great loss to all of us at Stupid State University that thought this form letter was ok and had no memorial service or anything for him. There will be no psychiatric appointments until September 2000 at which time we will welcome Dr. Announces-you-might-be-bipolar-30-seconds-after-meeting-you-scaring-you-so-much-you-aren't-diagnosed-for-years. You should contact the health center immediately to schedule a follow-up with her. If you have meds needs in the meantime you may follow-through with your primary doctor." Seriously, that is pratically word-for-word the insensitive letter.

I know that this is not the same. For one thing, there were strong indications Dr. Prozac killed himself. For another, Dr. Brain will be fine. I truly believe that. And if she were to have complications she would tell me upfront. And in all likeliehood in another year I'll be able to start to forget about this for her.

It's just that I have this thing where I desperately fear major illnesses in those I care about. I think it is because I cope with death all the time and so if it hits close to home it winds up absorbing the pain from the last 30 deaths I've had to cope with. Right now I'm haunted by overhearing a patient's daughter tell someone as I left the room how good I was with her father. I never felt good with him, I felt like I was pushing a very sick person too hard, or I felt impatient when he didn't try on his good days. And he died suddenly, hours later. I mean, he was dying, but not actively, and then he was gone. But to complicate it further, I've comforted myself with this mantra that whomever is at low risk for this, that or the other, they are young and healthy, etc. Not that this has kept me from crying in fear over perceived severity of illnesses that weren't that bad. But now my whole focus on that idea is thrown, and instead I'm made to realize that the reality is that I have 3 people in my life who are very important to me who are all the same age and Dr. Brain is one of those 3. And to top it off, my mother was diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma this week as well. That's the cancer to have, if you must have one, but still.......

Nonetheless, the original point of this got lost (sorry, this isn't the best-written post, my Seroquel and Klonopin are kicking in) and the thing is that the depression is definitely improving. I think it soon will be gone, especially if I can just get enough rest.

Dr. Brain said when I saw her that things look like I'm responding incredibly well to this combination and that this may be the magic combination that we've been waiting for. Apparently she's had a lot of success with people not having trouble with needing more and more Emsam over time (bad when there are only 3 doses and the 3rd is to be avoided if at all possible; I'm on the 2nd) and that is with others who are very treatment resistant. I am recovering slowly but surely, and apparently that is the goal after being so sick. Obviously I'd prefer to just be better today, but it seems like things look good for me to feel much more like myself, to get to find my new normal, within the next few weeks.

Not so bad, especially when the only real side effect is decreased appetite, and that's ok, just different to adjust to.

So, we'll see, but this may be ending, and I suspect would be ended if I just had a little time to recover without working so very hard.

No comments: