But anyway, this is possibly why I am still complaining about anxiety:So you may want to just pretend you never met me.....I think I'm potentially dangerous.
Let's recap:
July 13-14 attend extremely expensive seminar because company will reimburse most of it
July 17 get fired before meeting requirements to have company reimburse
Aug. 10 start new job
Aug. 17 get sinus infection. work anyway
Aug. 25 break glasses totally in half. Pay out of pocket for new ones
Sept. 25 determine with psychiatrist that move to MAOI needed and hospitalization will be needed for a significant time period
Oct. 7 start feeling crappy
Oct. 18 admit that becoming suicidal and need to go to the hospital in a week. Spend days trying to arrange this and ultimately ending with insurance issues that led to not knowing if admission would occur until I got to the hospital
Oct. 25 throw out entire bottle of lethal antidepressants due to wanting to take them all
Oct. 27 sign voluntary committment papers
Nov. 3 leave hospital after scary and miserable 9 days. Pharmacy claims drug that the whole thing was based on isn't made anymore. Social worker announces psychiatrist on medical leave, nobody knows what to do about me. Cry a lot. Discover pharmacy lied.
Nov. 5 social worker gets angry because you called to ask about status of doctor's appointment. Learn there isn't one and because you are so sick don't ask for who to call in an emergency.
Nov. 9 doctor adjusts meds
Nov. 13 back to work. Contact doctor for help with anxiety. Start valium.
Nov. 17 or so, fall hard with only injuries seeming to be bruises and soreness
Nov. 19 furnace is out. Figure out how to light pilot in a 2 hour span
Nov. 21 furnaces totally dies. Arrange for new one.
Nov. 23 furnace installed.
Nov. 27 feel sick after work. Begin vomiting and spend entire night up with vomiting and diarrhea
Nov. 28 continue to hold nothing down. stop peeing. Start getting confused. Can't decide if need to go to er. Develop head to toe rash in a matter of 30 minutes. Go to ER.
Nov. 29 arrive back home at midnight. Return to ER with pain suggestive of appendicitis at 3 AM.
Nov. 30 see Dr. Learn having too many appendicitis symptoms and put on watch with deadline for surgeon visit. No patch until psychiatrist, who is still on medical leave, approves it. Fight with her receptionist. Panic, get psychologist to also call. Have further serious diarrhea; have stool culture ordered.
Dec. 1 go through disgusting stool culture collection then hospital couldn't find paperwork. Throw out sample, get call they found it. Go through trash. Go back to hospital to drop off in pajamas and slippers. Spend whole day being harassed by manager angry that dr. kept out for 2 days.
Dec. 9 start eating a little bit of not chicken noodle soup.
Dec. 10 fall again, this time scraping knee in many places and severely spraining ankle. Doctor fights about tetanus shot allergy (the allergy is bad enough I need a crash cart nearby, but the treatment if i had breathing trouble is contraindicated with my MAOI so they also have to have me on an IV with meds to lower my BP at the ready. I said no shot) and then refuses pain meds due to assuming drug seeking due to codeine allergy and unable to take ibuproferon.
Dec. 17 fight with doctor's office over payments they've lost track of and accusation of non-payment cancelling appt. Refuse to have appt cancelled, yelling about ethics and all sorts of things. Get cast boot.
Dec. 23 start PT.
Dec. 30 start having snowstorms every morning PT is scheduled for 7:30 Am
Jan. 4 finally get small ankle brace. Start feeling slightly better.
Jan. 5 antidepressant starts to work more fully. mood improves and start waking up on a regular schedule.
Jan. 6 realize credit card has drastically increased APR with no warning and the payments that were supposed to be making a big dent in things are useless. Which is horrible since there is NO extra money with medical expenses at the moment. Also get bill that insurance company arbitrarily changed how they paid psychologist visits after going on COBRA and now owe counseling center $200
Jan. 8 complete 2 weeks of having only one day off in a row and working a total of 6 hours of overtime despite 2 holidays. Learn beloved patient has opted to stop dialysis in 2 weeks and realize you'll have to watch him die. Cry.
Jan. 9 learn psychiatrist that you care deeply for has, as suspected, breast cancer. Cry a lot.
Jan. 10 realize you exposed said psychiatrist to a cold that has the potential based on exposure to 2 people with severe colds to turn ugly, 2 days after she had chemo.
Jan. 10 spend day cleaning and organizing tax papers. Feel exhausted. Get cold. Ignore it. Finally realize 7 week old furnace is not functioning. At 8:30 pm still be waiting for repair man.........Discover that there were both a factory issue and an installation issue. Thank God that repair man is thorough and concerned enough to wait it out until he figured out why water was pouring out of my furnace.
Totally, totally forget the other thing to add to this list.........
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3 comments:
See how strong you are? You've made your way through these thickets. I am amazed by you! You're still standing and I believe that soon you will be able to tell yourself "the rest of the story" Paul Harvey style. You will be able to rehearse the events of these challenging months and insert the bright spots and caring people that helped boost you over or through so many obstacles. You'll also be able to more fully credit yourself with the enormous strength of your wonderful beautiful core.
Many people like to say "Life is hard. Then you die." Have you heard that common expression? People usually give an ironic laugh or snort when they say it. I like to say "Life is hard. Then you DON'T die." I don't fear death but I sure find that LIVING with the struggles and pain is difficult.
So...life has been very very challenging for you and you keep on keeping on. Spring is coming.
I'm so glad that the furnace got tuned up. How's the weather? Are you eating better now? Whatever happened to the appencicitis scare? Was anything determined?
Why did you open your re-cap with "So you may want to just pretend you never met me.....I think I'm potentially dangerous"??
Psalm 86 (New Living Translation)
A prayer of David.
1 Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
answer me, for I need your help.
2 Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
You are my God.
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
for I am calling on you constantly.
4 Give me happiness, O Lord,
for I give myself to you.
5 O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
6 Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;
hear my urgent cry.
7 I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,
and you will answer me.
Yeah, that's a pretty intense 6 months. No wonder I'm still fighting the end of the depression (which is much better in the last 5 days). I really needed to look at it like that; I get so mad at myself sometimes and well, I've been through a really, really hard time and need to let myself recover, evne if it is slow.
The first sentence actually didn't belong in the blog. I copied this from an email I sent to a friend, with a comment about knowing me seeming to be a little dangerous as everything and everyone around me has been breaking (I left out of that list that my car CD player, my laptop, and something else important to me have broken in the last few weeks). It for some reason tacked on sentence of what I didn't copy on and I didn't notice.
Be encouraged.
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:23 (NIV)
Thanks for the clarification and answer the other questions when you can. Love!
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