It all became too much tonight. The terrible hours I've been working plus the PT plus the counseling plus the dr.'s visits; the stress; things not going perfectly with an assistant and stressing about correcting her; other work things; some personal things I don't want to talk about right now; something I said to be funny that made someone very upset and led to a response from them that was so hurtful I cried for an hour (main sign I've reached my limit).
A number of years ago Dr. Mind devised this system of road signs that we used for a very long time to communicate what point I was at in the stages of illness. This is a stop sign. I am going to make some changes. This weekend is totally alone time, no matter what. 2 days of whatever I want. I'm only doing 2 PT sessions next week and am going to try to cut them to 2 days. I just can't handle this having PT 3 days a week and counseling one day, making pretty much every day 12 hours long. It's too much.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind. I suspect I'll not shut up for the entire hour. I'm just way, way overloaded and it hit hard tonight with a very long crying session and a hurt response to something I probably should have ignored except that it was so unfair. (I upset my sister by mentioning she's getting a belly. She's in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy, of course she is. But apparently the weight gain is upsetting to her and she was very angry. And very rude especially considering that she attacked one sentence of a whole email about how excited I was. It's like I ruined her ultrasound for her or something. And rather than leave it alone after apologizing for something where I was not wrong I pointed out that I'd happily gain 200 lbs if I could be where she is. It's not fair but she's going to have to learn to respect that she doesn't get to complain about that kind of thing to me.
So I need to try to sleep, rather than cry which is what I want to do, and this weekend I'll get myself together again. I hope. For now I am dreading the next 2 days because I'm too tired to be good at this. i'll mess up tomorrow and not get the early start I want and then i'll be stressed all day, and it will just snowball.