Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mood swings

I feel about 200 different moods right now. It's because I'm tired and my ankle is hurting a lot tonight (and is really swollen; I somehow angered it and have no clue how), and the baby, and my mom found out she has basal cell skin cancer (which I'd suspected by was not telling her since she had the appt. made), and I need alone time desperately and have to make it to Saturday, and I'm still in shock about Dr. Brain, and I am feeling some weirdness at work, and I'm basically happy, sad, tired, frustrated, angry, scared, relieved, and 14 other things all at once. Definetely moody. I'm not sure that it's really bipolar moodiness, I've put in a very hard month and being tired is not a surprise, but the speed at which they are changing is bipolarish.

Life just seems so weird right now. So much is going on. Even simple things aren't. I have noticed my clothes continuing to get looser. I'm not eating anything very caloric on my very restricted diet which is pretty healthy. People have commented on my weight loss. But my scale hasn't changed. Well, turns out that after I experimented it is just not reading anything lower than the number I keep getting. So it has to be replaced and I'm going to suddenly seem to have lost weight. Weight loss from meds is odd though. I've never had it before, except one wellbutrin which made me so sick I lost 20 lbs in 6 weeks and then had to go off it because I clearly wasn't adjusting. This doesn't make me sick, just not hungry for many foods, and then what I do want is quite healthy. So it's good, but it's just weird. I'm used to fighting weight gain from meds and I expected it since I'm on a lot of Seroquel again and this dose originally made me gain about 20 lbs. But now I'm just losing. A year ago I was a size 20, working on 22. I am now about to need to go down to size 10. When my mom is here next I'm going to get her to take a picture of what the difference in pants size is; I can't get a good one with the mirror. But it's a lot of weight. I am really glad, but I also feel weird. I'm so used to thinking of myself of very heavy that it is shocking to not be. A patient last week said something about "my fat, not that you'd know" and was amazed at what I weighed 12 months ago. I've finally lost enough that people don't see me as fat. Which is good, but odd.

Money is stressing me out. I'm looking into refinancing my mortgage. I'm also desperately trying to find a way to pay off credit, since my stupid credit card company doubled my rate without really giving notice, and that card has a furnace on it. A lot of tax refund is going to be going into the furnace......

And then my mind is back to the baby, that amazing little thing that I swear already looks a bit like my brother-in-law (something about the facial shape) that was sucking its thumb and holding its umblical cord which pulling its' knees up. And it's amazing heartbeat. when that ultrasound goes into 3D it's all you can do to believe that it's real. But it is. It also gave us a clear shot of a little tiny foot and a profile with and itty bitty nose and an open mouth, and a waving hand. It's so incredible.

I am also stressed because I need to run about 4oo errands and have no time, and time doesn't seem to be opening up. Ever.

Who knows what else. I need to go to sleep. PT comes soon and I can't wait for them to see what is wrong with my stupid ankle. Hopefully a night of elevation will make it all better, but something feels weird. I remember saying ouch when I stood up from kneeling once; maybe I twisted it brace and all. Regardless it doesn't feel good.

Like I said, a lot of moods here.

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Just in case it's worth re-reading...and I think it is...I'll repeat this comment about the unborn wonders to whom we are related!

I told my granddaughter that her mommy had a picture of her when she was so tiny that she looked like a bean. McKenzie said "I want to see that picture." Today, we drove to church together because I had the privilege of keeping her and her brother Mason overnight. She said "I have music in my blood." She spoke of all the ways she loves life and all the ways God's made her special. Guess what "some people" wanted to do with that "bean" when they learned that this beautiful little girl was unexpectedly on the way? Fortunately, "some people" grew up and now cherish her life. I remember going "wild" when I saw ultrasound of her when she was about 4-5 months in the womb. Her gorgeous little leg kicked out and back again. I could watch that video forever! She's still a great little dancer!

SOOOO glad you're enjoying these wonders. You're so special...and you are a WONDERFUL Aunt JustMe! JustYou is JustRight...ironing or no ironing!

Love JustYOU!!