So today my patient told me he wants to kill himself and how. I had a lot of lead-ins to that, but I'm too tired and overwhelmed. Nobody paid much attention. In fact one nurse laughed and said "he can't do that here". Duh. But he won't be in the nursing home forever. And when he goes home it will take 30 seconds to do what he's planning.
I know professionally how to handle this kind of thing. I did what I could. But nobody seemed to get it, that first of all if he has a plan he is serious, and second of all that if he feels like that he needs HELP. He needs to go to psych like 8 hours ago. Instead they are ignoring it, saying "he's just like that". So HELP HIM.
I never realized until today how desperate I felt those last few months. I knew how scared I was, especially on the day that I knew I would do anything to hurt myself if I only had access to more than a paper bag and an ink pen. But it had been a long time since I went through a long period of feeling suicidal, and probably this was the first time I was actually feeling suicidal and really thinking of it. Before it has always been either short-lived or in one time that scared me into treatment, I realized I was completely serious in my intent to kill myself the next time I became more than mildly depressed. At that time I knew only that I had recurrent depression, so I knew it would happen and that when it did I would not be able to handle it again. Telling someone I felt like that was awful, and over the next few months I swung closer and closer to hospitalization. Then the clinical trial happened and I made it to the next hurdle. From then until these last months I've been suicidal and I've even been suicidal for days or weeks, but never with the same steady intensity that it was this time; before it always came and went. This time I thought about it plenty and knew what would work. That's how my patient is. And everyone blew it off as he's safe where he is, he's just feeling old, maybe he's having family issues. OK, so why doesn't someone besides me see that it might be a good idea to HELP him with these things??????????
I'm so angry, and so confused because after all this is a touchy subject for me and I can hardly run around work yelling about how they don't know what they are talking about and that from someone who just got way more suicidal than anyone who knows her inside and out thought she could, it should be taken seriously. And that if he's thinking this, whether he is safe or not, he feels horrible.
I'm going to just go to sleep and try to forget. I woke up at 4 am this morning, I think from a nightmare maybe, and got up and started doing things. I got home at 8:45 or so. I'm worn out and tomorrow is a nice early PT day. Bleck.
I need a day off to process this........