It all became too much tonight. The terrible hours I've been working plus the PT plus the counseling plus the dr.'s visits; the stress; things not going perfectly with an assistant and stressing about correcting her; other work things; some personal things I don't want to talk about right now; something I said to be funny that made someone very upset and led to a response from them that was so hurtful I cried for an hour (main sign I've reached my limit).
A number of years ago Dr. Mind devised this system of road signs that we used for a very long time to communicate what point I was at in the stages of illness. This is a stop sign. I am going to make some changes. This weekend is totally alone time, no matter what. 2 days of whatever I want. I'm only doing 2 PT sessions next week and am going to try to cut them to 2 days. I just can't handle this having PT 3 days a week and counseling one day, making pretty much every day 12 hours long. It's too much.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind. I suspect I'll not shut up for the entire hour. I'm just way, way overloaded and it hit hard tonight with a very long crying session and a hurt response to something I probably should have ignored except that it was so unfair. (I upset my sister by mentioning she's getting a belly. She's in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy, of course she is. But apparently the weight gain is upsetting to her and she was very angry. And very rude especially considering that she attacked one sentence of a whole email about how excited I was. It's like I ruined her ultrasound for her or something. And rather than leave it alone after apologizing for something where I was not wrong I pointed out that I'd happily gain 200 lbs if I could be where she is. It's not fair but she's going to have to learn to respect that she doesn't get to complain about that kind of thing to me.
So I need to try to sleep, rather than cry which is what I want to do, and this weekend I'll get myself together again. I hope. For now I am dreading the next 2 days because I'm too tired to be good at this. i'll mess up tomorrow and not get the early start I want and then i'll be stressed all day, and it will just snowball.
About Me
- Just Me
- Over the years I have noticed that when I have the least hope a rainbow appears. Rainbows are a wonderful combination of beauty, hope, happiness and rain, the product of ugly grey clouds that hide the beauty of the sky. The beauty that is a rainbow can only come with the presence of both rain and sun. Such is life with bipolar disorder. There are good times, there are tough times, and there are rainbows to remind us that beauty will return, sometimes fleetingly and sometimes for a long time. This blog is my story of sadness and hope. Please scroll down to "Who I Am" under Pages to read more about me and the people who populate this blog.
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1 comment:
I hear a lot of good stuff in your post except for the final sentence which sounds like a prophecy of doom. I hope you didn't mean it like it was written. I will pray tonight for a smooth morning for you. No late start. No snowball.
You have some great knowledge and perspective. I think you're setting some good boundaries and you KNOW when others are out of line. Sure, you're crying more than you want but you know what that means and you're taking steps to plan recovery time. STOP sign.
You're sensitive...and I hate it too when I'm trying to be funny or helpful and it backfires. It's rotten when you get the opposite effect that you intended.
I'm really looking forward to your next report. It IS too much but you've got a plan. That's very very positive.
I'm so glad you have an hour with Dr. Mind. Yup. Just let 'er rip for that blessed hour.
You ARE an overcomer. It's just a steep climb. I'm proud of you, lady!
Oh yeah. Your sister is NOT going to be happy with your size 10's but she's whining about something pretty darn silly when the definition of pregnancy is weight gain! I gained fifty pounds with #1 son and I'm less than 5'2#. Breastfeeding took it all off and I was back where I started when I found out I was halfway through a second pregnancy. The body knew what it needed to do weight wise even though I got nasty MS symptoms with both babies (13 mos apart). When you have a horrible birth experience and subsequent severe infection and extended hospitalization and soon you think you're going to go blind and be disabled and unable to take care of your babies, a weight problem is NOTHING. As you know from following "April Rose" and all the other related TRUE stories of loss...your sis needs to get a grip. Her "weight problem" is a head problem, an attitude problem. Hope she grows up a bit before the baby comes. That said, should we give her some leeway for hormones and fears?
Well, that's your love letter for tonight. You'll be in my prayers.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12
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