Decisions and Ramifications

I mentioned about 2 weeks ago that I was taking my cat to the vet, expecting to hear her thyroid wasn't working properly.  Instead I learned that her thyroid is ok but her kidneys may be failing.  They wanted me to bring her in for catheterization to determine the degree of kidney failure.  The problem with that approach is that it assumes I would treat kidney failure.

This cat is 15 years old, so not exactly a spring...kitten.  She loves food more than anything except MAYBE me, and I'm not sure about that.  I am not taking her food away from her.  When she had to be on a special diet for a few days a while back she gave up eating entirely until she got what she wanted.

I've been ok with that decision.  If I see changes like weight loss, not eating, etc. then she'll go back in.  But for now I'm fine with making her happy and feeding her more (which may kill her sooner but at least I won't have taken her favorite thing to keep her happy).  And right now she just doesn't appear sick.

Except that today she has.  She didn't pester me to feed her, and when I did she backed away.  She threw up a little earlier, which isn't that uncommon in this house.  When I did put food out she was interested, but not hungry.  She feels cool to the touch, but I think she was sleeping by the air conditioner vent.  She, initially cried when I picked her up (which she does; I assume she has arthritis) but she did purr.  She's ok but it is another clue that I am going to have to get used to the ultimate ending here:  Anna won't live forever.  I have had her in my life so long and through so many really hard years when she was one of the things that gave me strength or at the bare minimum drug me out of bed for 15 minutes a day; she also has let me hold her while crying and screaming and totally falling apart more times than I'll ever admit and she has been with me through years of my life I don't remember.  I can't imagine not having her to love.