In the past when I have had really bad episodes and gotten to this point that I am in now where the whole world isn't colored by what I've been through I have been able to work through the episode. This time I didn't do a lot of work with Dr. Mind, I did a lot of crying and needing help to get from one day to the next. I have worked hard but in a much different way. However he came to the conclusion a while back that my not sleeping (which is making me feel worse than anything else) was PTSD related. We talked about this some and then I wrote a list of memories with trauma combined with sleep. Today I took that with me. He is fresh from training on some new PTSD techniques and so he got to practice them immediately. I thought the hardest part would be waiting for him to read the secrets as this is the most I've ever told anyone. Instead the techniques he picked are hard. Panic attack inducing hard. Also I am apparently needing to learn a new way to think about a lot of what happened. It was so hard. I had to pick the 5 most difficult experiences and read it aloud and now I have to do that at home. I also had to be still for "it is not your fault", a game we've played before but this time or maybe relevant to this instance I may have started to believe it. We'll see.
Tomorrow is toddler day (and I have tattoos! favorite aunt of the day) and then Wednesday evening is support group. I am doing the educational portion this time, which I really should work on. I am just absolutely drained from Dr. Mind though. Maybe that will mean I go to sleep at a reasonable time.
I found a new, not hard to cook, healthy meal. Pasta with black and cannellini beans, Rotel, and some past sauce. I only wish I'd had some sour cream. Still, wonderful.
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