Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Please, please pray

Over the last few weeks Dr. Mind has been talking more about my sleeping issues being related to PTSD.  When the improvement was only partial after the huge stress of SSDI went away he seems to have decided that is the issue.  I'm not entirely sure where the rest of this comes from and have to wait until next week to ask.  At first he told me he's going to a PTSD conference soon and hopes to add to the things he still knows to do.  It sounds like I am stretching his knowledge.  Then he talked about maybe having me do EMDR (I only partially understand this; google it) but I am not sure that I believe in it (it seems bizarre) or that I can do it because you have to follow eye movement patterns and one of my eyes believes in doing it's own thing, which makes me laugh because it is a really weird feeling (I can feel it slip out of the movement I was doing and am aware during the movement that my vision is really strange.  It lasts a second but it's still strange; I never had my lazy eye treated so I am used to the decreased depth perception (this is part of why I'm so clumsy) and that without a specific correction my eyes don't work together, but when I do feel it it is noticeable.  And then today he talked a little more, vaguely about having me see someone else once a week and him once a week.  I'm not sure why and I am opposed.  I have many reasons for opposition and I hope to win.  My guess is that he is thinking a female therapist may get more of the memories I'm blocking out but I've never succeeded in trauma therapy with a female.  And there's trust and the confusion of having 2 people treating me and various other no's.

We talked a lot today about feeling safe, places that are safe, and how to increase my safety.  I'm supposed to just plan to sleep on the couch for a while.  I already have been sleeping with a light on for a couple weeks since discovering that my usual need for total darkness has become feeling safer with light on.  We focused a lot on why I don't feel safe in bed as that seems to be the heart of the not-sleeping thing.  And there is both old stuff and new stuff related to that.  I had plenty of trauma already and then the weeks or months I spent staring at a bottle of pills trying to decide to take them did not help, especially once I started dreaming about hurting myself.  That's when I was hospitalized but those thoughts still scare me.  That was so close that I honestly am not sure that I could survive the same thing again.  Probably not going to happen since I doubt that either dr. will ever not be aware of this when things are bad (statistically I am likely to go back to that place although hopefully less drastically).

And after my session because I was complaining about my tire pressure light coming on all the time Dr. Mind actually walked to my car, checked my tires, found a place a screw is missing from my repair work last year and looked through the car's manual for directions to turn off the sensor.  This is the comfort level.  I don't want to change that.

So I am trying to do what I can to help him know as much about trauma, sleep, and beds as I can remember.  This is where prayers would be greatly appreciated over the next few days as this will be painful.  So far I've learned that while I can't just start doing this at bedtime of course trying is enough to make me go into shut-down mode and sleep 2 hours.  Now to just go back to sleep.  And to get warm.  I am freezing, no clue why.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,

I spent a little bit of time last night and this morning Googling EMDR. From what I read, it sounds like the verdict is still out on the "eye movement thing", but that this kind of therapy CAN work well to re-program the brain regarding past trauma.

I can understand why you are reluctant to trust someone else to a)do the EMDR and b)be a replacement(?) for Dr. Mind. Maybe not a replacement, but an additional person to learn to trust, etc. That would be tough.

I would like to know if you think your sleep problems are related to PTSD. Is Dr. Mind correct in his idea that PTSD therapy will help you sleep? You usually are pretty perceptive about yourself, so I imagine you have thoughts on this (?)

Also, if this needs to be addressed, are you ready for it? Prepared to do it? It's a vulnerable place... I've no doubt that when you make up your mind on the direction to take, you will be successful. I guess I am just wondering how YOU are feeling about it all... not sure if you want to share that or not.

I will pray that you are able to address the trauma/sleep/beds in a way that is good for you, rather than bad or painful. Are you supposed to be writing a list for Dr Mind? Also, when I get upset (understatement. MORE than upset) I am sooooo cold too.

I hope you are able to relax today and take this whole thing step by step. As always, if I have asked anything you don't wish to answer, I apologize. I'd never knowingly hurt you - hope you know that!

God Bless you today Jen.


Michal Ann said...

I sure love Becky's letters...but you all know that!

I only have a minute to write but I will pray as I drive to my meeting tonight.

WARMTH: I've probably told you about "Norm," my 5# brown rice in a zip pillow case. You could easily sew a bag and second one to be removed for laundering. Heat in the microwave about 3 minutes and it stays warm for hours in bed. I use two quite often for my feet and my sore hip. I learned about it from a physical therapist and yes, brown rice is best.

Norm Rice was the mayor of Seattle at the time and that's why I call it "Norm." Everyone who knows me knows my affinity for Norm and many others have made rice bags in various shapes and sizes.

A pair of zip pillow cases from a bargain department store is the easiest solution and the same one can be nuked for YEARS. The zipper pulls have NEVER caused a problem.

Hope that helps!

Praying, lifting you into Jesus' Light,


p.s. An easy microwaveable meal is to make toast while you nuke an egg in a cup of milk. The egg poaches and you have a filling meal when you pour the egg and milk over the toast. It only takes what? 90 seconds?

Anonymous said...

Jen - are you ok over there? Becky

Michal Ann said...

Just checking in...

Jean Grey said...

Jen, I found EMDR to be very effective. It doesn't make you forget about things that happened, it just makes you more dispassionate about them. They are not such an issue anymore. The key is finding the right images to hold in your mind.