I am back. Not for long tonight, but that's just 2 really busy days. Yesterday I finally concluded my fight with AT&T (at least up to the complaint part) and got my service back. Then I had support group and went to the store for a minute afterward to grab any supersales. Then today I had Dr. Mind, the pulmonologist and the dreaded trip to Sam's club to use up my food stamps money. I am so grateful for that program. I easily have 2-3 months of food, minus milk and I'll probably need bread and maybe snacks and fresh stuff, but for the most part I have a ton of partially prepared, nutritious, easy foods along with meat, fish, chicken, a lifetime supply of tomato products, various snacks, canned vegetables, etc. I had enough money to spend that I actually had to go through 3 times to spend it. Which is great because I got SO MUCH. Add that to Giant Eagle having 10 pastas for $10, 10 pasta sauces for $10, pork chops buy one pack get one free, and yogurt 20 for $12 and in two days I got some amazing deals. I have a pretty good size freezer in my basement and it is officially stuffed.
Anyway, that much shopping is akin to my worst nightmare and I'm exhausted from it. I seem to be starting to sleep better and am stabilizing with my mood at least more than I had lately. I'm struggling with grieving for what I've lost which I am allowed to do versus looking back to find ways to blame myself (that is not my wording) which I am NOT allowed to do. I am struggling with the difference and am guessing it is not that clear cut since when I started crying Dr. Mind asked what that was for and then immediately said "oh hte grieving". To me this all feels the same.
I've also had a facebook thing that was pretty frustrating. I guess I didn't write about part one, but in December someone posted something unkind about mental illness. I removed that person from my friends list. We emailed and kind of worked it out but I neglected to add her back since I was kind of busy not killing myself. So yesterday I followed a link that was to a minor mental health joke and then she'd written about how she had to take it down to keep people from being offended. I confronted her, she denied that it had anything to do with me and posted various places about how I make everything about me. I realize this blog is just that, but really in life I truly don't. Nor was I at all offended by this particular little thing. She said she was blocking me but proceeded to post about me. I came home from support group, discovered this, sent her an email that obliquely said grow up, and have posted on facebook about what is wrong with me, my general rule of humor (if it isn't funny if you substitute Islamic, hispanic or gay then it's not funny), and some other stuff. What I hate now is that she could post anything she wants about me and I'll never know. Which is fine except I like to have some idea. My mom didn't agree that I should have said anything but she also called me this morning to express her anger at the person. She is just the same as she was in high school. I should have known; she was like this when we were 8. But I'm now going to be trying to hide away some of the people who I have no contact with. Not worth it.
And that's the short story of the last several days. I'll try to write again tomorrow.
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