Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, April 30, 2012

So, the new deal

I keep saying I don't know how much blogging I can do.  I am getting the idea that I'm going to have little free time as this treatment progresses.  And now I am sure of that.  Because I am struggling with the part where you get used to exposure to the bad memories I am now recording my "story" (one of many) and will start listening to it for 90 minutes per day tomorrow.  Since I have other things that have to happen in my life, small or not, like tomorrow is going to see my niece, Wednesday is support group and Thursday is back to Dr. Mind, by Friday I'll have to mow, ettc. and trying to
 sleep takes up so much of my time, not to mention trying to eat a little more healthily (not really doing it, but it's a nice thing to pretend), etc. that 90 minutes is going to be a farily big chunk of time.  Nobody said I can't knit while I listen and tomorrow I'll do it while driving because I'm also supposed to not put it off as long as possible because I dread it.

We're still working on my talking like things happened to me rather than saying "you just don't DO that to a baby".  As was gently pointed out Dr. Mind indeed did NOT do those things.  But I can't say it the right way.  I can't.  I don't want to.  And soon I will have to.  At some point I have to stop feeling responsible for what happened to me.  And again, not sure I want to. 

The thing is that this is so hard because it is so different than our relationship over so many years that I can tell he feels bad pushing so hard and so he's checking in that I do not think this is him being mean.  I don't.  I just don't know how to do what he is asking.  Fortunately I suspect that will soon be covered.

I know that if this helps even a little in keeping me from having more episodes, decreases the nightmares,  or makes me feel a little safer it will have been really a good thing.  Going through it is a hard, all the time experience that I don't know how to handle.  And from what I read my circumstances with it are a little different because it is originally designed for someone who has been raped, so there is one trauma.  At first I was getting a little less exposure time because it was different but that didn't work so now it's 90 minutes.  And I suppose that this will be repeated until I stop thinking these stories are because of me.

On the other hand I do see hwo it works and I do think that this is something Dr. Mind and I can do together and I'm very glad he took this class.  But it is so hard I can't begin to explain.
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