Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, April 21, 2012

My so-called pity party and judgmentalness

So I'm having some issues with facebook.  Big ones.  Like I started a whole new account where nobody will find me and almost none of my friends from growing up are invited.  It's a long story that I am not even entirely clear on because some of it happened when i was really sick, but it goes something like this:  Many months ago my 17 year old cousin posted something really offensive on facebook.  I went to her mother and that ended that.  I did make some comment about watching for this post as it was offensive and I figured more to follow.  Some people did not like that.  I explained I wasn't telling them what to post, just saying this one thing was pretty mean.  It never hit Ohio and it never mattered.  A few months later someone posted something offensive.  I dropped them, but instead of doing this quietly like I thought the program told her.  Hurt feelings, discussion, seeming understanding.  But I was so sick and just didn't get her back on my friends list.  Then the hospital, then just as that wore off the loss of income, etc., it just wasn't a priority.

The other day I clicked a cute picture which was a money making a statement that I can't translate from swearing.  It wasn't offensive to mental illness although it did mention it.  The poster commented about needing to take it down before someone got upset.  That was clearly me.  I said something.  I didn't take it private and I should have.  I should have just blocked everyone.  But that girl picked on me for years.  I think those feelings were stronger than any others.  She declared she was blocking me, I left for group.  I came home and checked to see if perhaps the facebook page person who I did think of as more of a friend had removed it.  Instead I found this:

M posted a photo to E's Wall.
Ironically I posted this picture this morning on my FB. I hope one day-Jen  realizes that I am completely harmless and help as many people as I can who have a mental illness. I'm not judgemental nor intentionally disrespectful. I hope one day you find peace Jen . For the record-this is posted for you Jen.

This was followed by a note I initially thought was friendly from the person whose wall this was posted on.  Turns out, not so friendly when I read it the 7th time which is after I had responded.  I responded mainly by saying that I was being misquoted, that it would be beneficial to listen to my side before deciding I was wrong, and that both these women may work in mental health but that doesn't mean they know much about how it feels.  I had the same experience when I worked in psych, except that I had the 3rd level of being a psych patient myself.   I pointed out how different our lives are.  This led to my being called judgmental and that I am having a big pity party for myself.

My self-esteem is far, far away right now.  But there is one thing I know for certain:  I have not faced this that way.  I have gone step by step into what needed to be done, no matter how unpleasant or embarrassing for months now.  When I found out it was time for SSDI and foodstamps I had 2 choices:  cry and freak out and delay processing or do what I had to do.  I have done that. n I'm not sure anyone could have handled all the details I have in the last few months and done any better at staying rational, especially with how sick I was.  As I feel better there is a lot of sadness.  But I can't think that there are many people who wouldn't be sad and grieving a bit after a year like mine.  To put it in perspective I found out my body can't have kids.  And even though I knew that was never a good idea, I have to say that most women would grieve for that alone.  I didn't get that chance because I have been so sick.  As for judgmental, I think we all are at times.  I'm not even close to as judgmental as posting that above thing which will hang out there long term.  I am so mad at myself for not making sure that was gone.  Oh well.

I did get a very, very kind note from my former boss and I think we're going to have dinner some night.  That was desperately needed.  It said not to worry about mean people, the people I worked with love me.  

But I'm not liking this all that much.  Many things I've said, intended for my family, were scrambled up in this.  And it causes way too much anxiety.  I also feel humiliated although I'm not the one(s) who thought doing this was ok.  I know how gossip spreads there and eventually the whole town is going ot know a series of lies.  I thought before posting that they might all know my diagnosis and I was fine with that.  I am not fine with this.

So I move on and start over with the broken computer I got back today with the same problems it had before.

The truth though is that Dr. Mind wrote on a form that I have poor impulse control.  This proved him correct.  And it proved the people I thought were mean 20 years ago were mean...Ugh.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

I'm sorry you can't have kids. I decided long ago that I wouldn't- I took to many meds, I couldn't even take care of myself, etc. I only dated men who didn't want kids. It was only as I started doing better, was working full time, and stable, that I started to wonder about motherhood- but alas it was too late for me. Maybe not for some people, but I'm not about to have kids in my 40's (with no husband even). And so then I grieved. Well, now I have my niece.

Perhaps when you are better you could make some money as a nanny.You could maybe have a specialty niche for kids with special needs given your OT background (just a thought). Otherwise, I'm sure there is babysitting money to be made somewhere. Disability doesn't pay much.