Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, April 05, 2012

A very, very important lesson for all of us

I did talk to the social security person and found out that I wasn't hallucinating, I passed a screen showing I can handle my own money that was required because of notations that I've struggled at times, and I found out that I'm going to get about $100/month more than I was previously told.  I feel guilty about how much I'm going to get; it feels like not enough but is really so much more than most people get.

I got to tell Dr. Mind in person and that was good.  His paperwork has to have been a major factor in this; I'm not even sure Dr. Brain got hers in because she didn't have time (I've not talked to her so don't know).  He had never heard of one processing so fast either.  The paperwork from the local office was submitted one day short of 2 months ago.

I've been doing some reading and it appears that what happened that my paperwork triggered a fast track decision process, which the computer comes out with when the paperwork entered shows a high likelihood of disability.  Less people are involved and the turn around time from getting records is very fast.  Only 5% of claims are processed this way.

But the really big lesson?  The thing that probably first triggered me into that program was that I was suicidal.  I don't know if they feel it is best to not put too much pressure on someone who could kill themselves by making them wait, or if they know that waiting increases suicide risk or if they just don't want suicidal people working, but whatever the cause, this awful fight of mine over recent months trying to find reasons to live, having all sorts of dangerous household stuff and my meds where I can't get them without help and supervision, this thing I have cried so many times about "why do I have to feel this way?  Why do I have to feel something that is so opposite of what I really belief and feel?  Why is guilt and shame over being suicidal necessary when I feel so bad?

It was necessary so I could get to today.  When I was in the hospital the last time another patient told me that she was approved quickly and that it seemed that frequent hospitalizations/suicidal stuff was a big part of it.  Since she had numerous suicide attempts I didn't think that what she said was true for me.  However I had things she didn't that made up for the lack of drama, like a zillion pages of documentation from multiple doctors, vocational rehab recommending I stop working 5 years ago, a clearly messed up work history with 2 times of being fired because of symptoms, a history of faithfully taking meds and taking so many different meds that there's no doubt I've tried, etc.

The last 8 months have had a stunning amount of loss and pain.  Nothing changes what I lost.  But knowing that even the generally slow and deliberate social security people did not bother to even go through the entire first step with me shows that I need to quit feeling guilty and know that I so clearly qualified it didn't take much proof.

More later on my insurance woes.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh - "necessary so I could get to today." All of it - guilt/shame/tears/etc - I simply don't know what to say.

On one hand, I am happy you realize this (I cannot be happy it happened.) But on the other, so sad that you had to go through it.

You are right in that it doesn't change what you lost. BUT, sooooo good to know that your guilt is lessened now. It's validation for all you've endured and it is right that you get the assistance you deserve.

I do believe you are seeing a silver lining here/a glimpse of the rainbow. You should be proud that you endured, and that you can "see" now a reason for some of it.

God has been looking out for you - and wow, in such suprising ways too.

Prayers and good thoughts to you every day, Jen!


Lurid said...

This makes me really happy for you, Jen.

Michal Ann said...

Big exhale. Whew... A long time coming but here it is, your "new normal." I hope you soon adjust to this new place and find freedom and peace. Your new "digs" are smaller you're used to but it seems they will offer some order and predictable structure. I can imagine you looking around the new place with a sense of confusion and wonder...

I love Becky's letters, as always, and am comforted that you have caring electronic "pen pal" friends rejoicing with you.

Love, Michal