Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Happy Birthday

Today I am 32 and my blog is 2. I've been totally unimpressed with my own birthday; it barely registered in a very busy and stressful day. We'll celebrate this weekend and I will care more; for today it has meant little except that I kept dating things 1/15/1976 rather than 1/15/08. Oopsie.

I resigned my job today. I'll work out 3 weeks notice and then have 3 days to get back on track before starting the new job. It turned out that this was the least stressful part of my day. The worst was later when a patient who can get a little uncooperative put herself in a position where she couldn't hold her balance and wouldn't correct it. I couldn't hold her up for very long because she is big and much taller than me, so I eased her to the floor. That means lots of documentation and I feel guilty, even though I know very well that I did everything I could.

Anyway, the blog is what I really feel something about. I'm glad I started this thing on my birthday. Birthdays have always been hard for me and this has given me something happier the last few years.

When I started this thing my ideas about my illness were so wrong. I just had no clue how sick I could really get. I started this when I was feeling good. However the same night I started it I overdosed on caffeinated iced tea that I thought was safe. I was manic for a couple weeks. When I came off the high I immediately hit rock bottom because my therapist announced she was leaving the country in a month. I spent that month crying and picking a therapist and deciding against the first one she recommended because I thought I wouldn't like her approach, and then meeting with the man I see now. After she left I took a few weeks off to adjust to the new therapist (and to use up a surplus of PTO days). Then my assistant was fired and I got very manic trying to handle things. Then there was lithium toxicity and the summer I learned to cry, sort of. Then I changed jobs, went through a lot with my new job, was very depressed, was stable, was manic, was stable, went back to the job, and today I resigned.

Two years ago I thought I had answers. I think I took a lot more credit for how well I do overall back then. Now I know that doing well is just part of going with the flow. I'm trying to learn to not fight so hard when it's time to handle a cycle. I'm not good at it, but I am trying.

When this thing started I hoped that I would meet others who were mentally ill and working in mental health. I haven't really, and my own career has moved away from psychiatric patients too. In my new job I'll do a lot of dementia work, but that's still different. It's funny though, that I find I'm actually more sensitive to co-workers talking about psych stuff now than I was back in my psych OT days. Maybe that's because I'm pretty sure that these people now KNOW and they still say obnoxious things. Yet I know they do because I am very willing to laugh. I just want everything, I guess.

Anyway, my age is showing and I must be getting to bed. Tomorrow is another big day and unless I'm incorrect I'm looking at yet another day without stopping. Saturday can't come too fast....


Sarah said...

Zum Geburtstag viel Glueck!! :)

Happy Bloggaversary, too!

Mariposa said...

I'm late...but better late than never...happy birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy (Belated) Birthday!