Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Therapy Cat

First, please see below post if you haven't. Much more important than me freaking totally out.

I have 3 cats. One is considerably older than the other two and we've been together a long time, and we've been through a lot together. We are pals. She was with me during my pre-diagnosis years, and learned how to best react when I am crying without stopping for 2 days, when I'm yelling at the wallls, when I can't get out of bed, and when I can't stop pacing. She's also very sensitive to my stress level and when I'm stressed she always climbs up and tries to calm me. Tonight she's very busy with her job.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. I've been feeling so great and if I were going back to a good situation I'd be a little less scared, but I'm not. The first thing is just that I know working is really hard on me and I'm not likely to feel this good after working a couple of weeks. But I'm not going to a good situation. I haven't said much about this because I have a fear of retaliation if the wrong person reads it, but really not much can happen that is worse than what I'll probably be doing in a few days. My company is politely saying "leave you crazy lady". I've been reassigned to a place an hour and a half from home, a place I've never been. I am not capable of driving that far. I'm not sure anyone really should do that. I have; it was hard. I've also heard it's a tough place to work.

I have another job lined up. I can start as soon as I can start. But I have to quit first, and well, that's sort of ugly. Too complicated to explain, but therapists generally are asked to serve long notices (this one is 3 weeks). I seriously doubt my ability to work so far away that long. So I'm going to have to just quit. I'm hoping my doctor is going to say it's a medical thing and that this sort of protects me a bit from the fallout. We'll see.

The new job is only 30 minutes from here and is 8 minutes from my mom's house. It's in the city I hope to move to (which of course is even further from the psychologist and psychiatrist). I was able to get a 4 days per week deal and that will improve my life immensely. It has a better productivity requirement and better meets my needs in a ton of ways. It won't be perfect, no job ever will be, but at least they want me there.

So today I was trying to get ready for all these changes. Unfortunately the day just stressed me out. I got the employment packet. I have to sign a thing allowing a very thorough background check, at their discretion, including things like a credit report. That's the kind of thing my paranoia doesn't handle well. Small thing. Then the benefits papers don't show short term disability as a benefit. It's listed on the webpage, so I imagine it's there, but that frightens me. I also still haven't been able to determine if my psychiatrist is a provider or if I'm going to be out-of-network. I won't quit seeing her, she's been my doctor for 5 years and she's awesome, and I already pay a huge amount to see her, but still--stress. I'm trying to eat healthier at work so I bought a bunch of 100 calorie packs, peanuts, and salads to take along. I bought caffeine free pop for lunch and I'll drink water otherwise. No snack machines. I have to get a drug test. I'm on no narcotics, but it's just weird to think what if one of my meds triggers. They're prescription, so it's ok, but I don't want to start off with a conversation about my anti-psychotic. I had to buy all new scrubs so I washed those earlier. I also had to buy a lab coat for this new place. (I won't go into my feelings about being forced to wear long sleeves when getting hot is bad for me). I threw it in with the scrubs and it is now pale blue and soaking in a soup pot full of bleach water. When the scrubs come out of get-the-starch-out-wash-cycle-2 it will have to go back in. And since it needs bleached and I just did laundry it will be all alone and therefore wasting water.

And yes, that's all a bunch of run-on mumbo-jumbo, but I'm freaking out. Or I was. Better now. I just have to handle 3 days. Anyone can handle 3 days. I'm sure I can go to work tomorrow just like I've not been desperately ill, even though it's pretty reasonable to have a little time to ease in. Of course this company didn't even give that at the beginning really.

Soon I can move on and eventually we'll come back to a discussion of "how do you keep working when it is not good for your company to employ you?". I do understand their situation. I really do......


Sarah said...

Rambling train of thought? I loved it. Totally loved it.

I have you in my prayers and have faith that things will work out. Tomorrow is going to be an okay day ... and you'll find a new routine and re-settle into things. I have faith.

BipolarLawyerCook said...

You can do it. You have made it this far, you can make it through the next three days. And don't go lightly on your current/old employer. They are discriminating against someone with a "qualified disability." You are qualified, I can tell, just by reading the level of insight you bring to bear.

In short, you can do it. I'll be holding you in the light.

Just Me said...

Thanks to both of you. I took some medicine and I feel a bit better. I spent a long time in therapy last year learning to not try to do everything I felt a normal person should do, because I couldn't. I think it's now time to focus on what to do in a situation I know is too much. I dread the time when I need to quit working, yet I cannot imagine sometimes continuing to do this. My new job is less hours (36) along with the day off mid-week, so that should help. Plus only an hour of commuting. And it's easy driving, a state road for 15 minutes and then a rural part of the interstate for 15.

And the best news is my lab coat is white.:)

Jen said...

You can do it! Just 3 days, taken one at a time. :-)

Emilija said...

I knew you were going back today, I was thinking of you. It is very hard going back. It is very hard changing jobs, even in the best of circumstances. But you have the law on your side, although it is sad when it comes down to that. It sounds like you have a very good plan. Just expect it to be hard in the beginning, and that it is going to get easier.