Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I didn't need this

The focus of my counseling sessions of late has been my anxiety problem. At this point anxiety symptoms far overreach bipolar ones, and in general anxiety practically rules my life. The thing is that for various reasons anxiety isn't something that I have ever not had, so we're starting in a very difficult place where I'm learning to recognize it and then respond appropriately. To add to this we're working on my being a bit more trusting, one person at a time--therapist first. Which means I'm going to be practicing believing him (not laughing at him) when he says to not worry.

For the last month or two I've spent a lot of time and effort monitoring my thoughts and stopping any thought beginning with "what if". I've actually done pretty well with it, and that's a big deal because my anxiety is typically really horribly bad.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. I won't see him for 2 1/2 weeks now as he is leaving the country temporarily (a good example of how panicky I get: my last therapist left the country, which left me nervous about that happening again, despite the uncommon circumstances the last time. When this therapist said he was going to this other country I automatically assumed he meant forever; instead he was just mentioning it). I have been really looking forward to a break, because I rarely have one. Usually I have trouble if it gets too long between and just when I was ready to reduce my visits in the fall I got manic. So of course now I have something that makes me really anxious.

I had a physical for my new job today. While there I complained about my ongoing constipation and lack of success with drinking more, eating fruits/veggies, Colace and Miralax. This plus other signs led to a urinalysis and a diagnosis of diabetes insipidus. It's better than it sounds but not good for maintaining the status quo, as I may have to go off lithium. The one good thing is that I'm not falling totally apart; I've been blaming many weird things on seroquel and it turns out probably it was ok.

So now I have a long time to work on not worrying all by myself. Combining this with the thing where I had screwy liver functions last month, and I'm as calm as the sky in July.

I'm glad we found this. I would guess this is just another kick in the butt for not treating my toxicity for so long. But I'm also sad and mad and worried, even though I'm trying not to be.

After all, life isn't fun without a major med issue at least every 4 months (I'd find examples but am too tired)?


Anonymous said...

It is tiring. But as you yourself said, it's not as bad as it could be, and it _is_ treatable. Hang in there and focus on all the great things coming your way with this new job.

Emilija said...

Sorry about this latest news. You never get a break!