Numb

I saw Dr. Brain today. As I talked through the events of the last 3 weeks I realized I am currently just numb. I don't want to start the story because I don't want to end the numbness (which is partly medication and I'm ok'd to be on quite a bit of it for a while) quite yet, but at least I finally have a description. I told her the whole thing and never even cried. I talked and talked and talked, and I don't even know what I looked at. She asked about how my session with Dr. Mind had been; I told her I didn't remember. I feel the same about the time with her.

I did realize that the timing has been exquisite on the company's part. They clearly planned this, but they also executed it so that they had the fewest losses in providing me training and vacation time.

In the last 2 days the numbness has protected me enough that the hardest part was that my pregnant cousin has come to visit from another state with her little girl. This was one of my best friends all the way until after college when she suddenly quit responding to my emails, call, etc. I've spent all these years hurting and not understanding. We are going to be near them one day this week. My mom asked if I was ok visiting and I tried, I really did but I realized I'm too fragile right now, and the pregnancy might be the last straw. My mother was confused and I had to explain that sometimes it HURTS when other people are pregnant and I have to know that won't be me.

I think the sleepiness is starting (I took 1 mg ativan plus 10 mg ambien so I should sleep well).

More posting soon. I so want to explain this horror, because it is a horror, and I need to hear what you all think. But I just can't stand dislodging my fragile barrier between hurting and talking.