Rock amidst Chaos

I'm writing this while eating chicken and biscuits with the broken off end of a plastic fork. I'm too tired to get another one from the kitchen. I never bothered with a snack today and I'm very hungry.

For the last many years I have often lived in chaos, yet it was so bad for me that I avoided it at all costs. During the times there have been chaos I've tended to hide from it. Change throws me for a loop. Just something as simple as not knowing what to expect has been known to cause terrible anxiety and cycling. I've tried to learn to handle it with minimal success. More and more that's a treatment focus, and in a few more months of stability I probably will be changing to a more potent anxiety med, although there just isn't anything that meets my real needs (ie won't combine with the current meds to knock me out, can be taken once daily, etc).

Things are not easy. Yesterday was one of the most chaotic days I've ever had at work. Among the highlights was cutting my hand on a wheelchair (ick) and then breaking out from the bandaid. (Told you I'm allergic to EVERYTHING--I've suspected I was developing an adhesive allergy for a while because I get red marks from tape when I have blood drawn. This proves it..). Then I thumbtacked my finger to the wall. My pop got spilled on my new winter coat. Etc. I am now doing more driving than I thought I would be and I don't have any idea what any given day will be like until I'm in the midst of it. The pace is very fast.

I keep counting down days. Two weeks from right now it will all be over. Yet that makes me sad. However, the truth is that over the spring we had many deaths at the place I've always worked and I don't know and love most of the people who filled those spaces. That helps a lot. I got choked up when one of the women I've enjoyed time with pulled out her memory book I made her and showed me she loves it enough she carries it with her all the time.

Things are even weird with my therapist. For the 2 years I have been seeing him (almost 2 years) I've rarely been anything remotely like well. I've hit not too bad a few times, and last spring for about a week on Lamictal and then for several weeks in the summer I was good enough we were celebrating, but major, major problems were still evident. And there were times in there where we had some really hard discussions because I felt he thought I wasn't trying hard enough, and I really think he's only now understanding because I can now verbalize it that I'm not ignoring him when he says I have severe anxiety, I have no clue what not being anxious feels like and I can't stop what I don't have a concept of. Now I'm learning to sort that out. But things are so weird. He is so used to thinking that whatever I say is a negative statement I'm finding I have to remind him I'm joking. We talked about that last night and that I have to give him time to adjust to a different me. This kind of hurt, even though I initiated it. The truth is that I have a long history for various reasons of being kind of spoiled by people who have treated me, and to have one who is willing to say "yes you're doing well, but you still aren't acting normal" or whatever is hard. Good, because the goal is for me to control that stuff so I fit into the world a bit better, but hard.

One of the things he always does is warn me very far ahead and very repeatedly when he'll be on vacation. That has a lot to do with I do not miss appointments. I reschedule if a holiday interferes or I'm sick, and often when I go out of town, if possible. Generally the only weeks I miss are his vacations. One of those times is coming up and because it coincides with the week I start my new job and switch my therapy day to my day off work mid-week I'll go 2 1/2 weeks between appts., which is a record. And I'm actually GLAD and looking forward to a break. After 6 years of therapy this seems fair, but it's a big step that I'm ready finally.

So the truth is that things couldn't really be crazier if someone was trying to make them so. But I'm managing. I'm managing things I never thought I'd manage again. May it please continue.