There was this song that we had on a tape at the camp where I worked that was supposed to go with using rhythm sticks "Lummi sticks are so much fun, come on now everyone, click with MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Because when I'm manic song phrases glue themselves into my head even if I haven't heard the song in years this is one that haunts me. I have a few others right now that are also driving me crazy, phrases from a CD I dared to play maybe a month ago. I played it ONCE. I am still singing 2 phrases over and over and over. Dr. Mind thinks this is part of a variation on OCD since I also focus on thoughts excessively (or used to, less so now), but please MAKE.IT.STOP.
Except really I am. I want badly to answer the comments on the post from this weekend about sexual abuse, but first I have to get through some things inside me. I realized things weren't right Monday and emailed Dr. Brain to warn her. I upped my Seroquel to where it was last week and when that wasn't sufficient last night I went back up to the incredibly high dose. I'm still anxious and manic but the depression that felt like it was going to beat me up seems to be improved. Thank God Seroquel works fast. I'm going to stay at the high dose at least through the weekend and if I'm still tolerating it will stay on it until next week. When I go back to the still-extremely-high dose I'll be staying there for some time. Sometimes kind of a pulse of higher dose antipsychotic works. Apparently not for me. I weaned off too soon and felt pretty crummy for a couple days to prove it.
Things may have resolved with the patient who had me so upset and which kind of put me over the edge into this place. Not that I wouldn't have been here, it was just the last straw. Another would have come along. Anyway, God works in mysterious ways; I had a chart review done by a corporate person today and he looked at the chart and indicated he does not feel this patient qualifies for home health. If that is true I won't even have to go back. I also found out the patient's conversation with my boss mostly included a lot of complaints about things that can't be complained about or that didn't happen. Thankfully my boss has been aware of everything going on and is supportive of me (I think especially after that phone conversation with the patient) which helps too. I'm just so glad this is maybe over.
I also finally am hired for my new job, aka what I'm doing now. I have a letter and everything.
I had a weird conversation with my mother a little while ago. I've been starting to talk about considering moving down here in a few more years if I'm still liking the job. I said it would be nice to be closer to my sister as we develop this tentative relationship and my mother (yes, MY MOTHER) said that I also needed to consider that someday I'll need to be where my sister can help me if I need it. I've never been able to talk about that except a bit with Dr. Mind, but they've discussed it and my sister knows that someday she may have to help me sometimes when my mother is gone/can't.
It's not even 7 pm and I'm getting tired. I think I'm going to wait and write notes in the morning again. I only have a maximum of 45 minutes of work, and while I try to not have paperwork to do in the mornings right now I'm changing the rules in favor of sleep, which is mostly what Dr. Brain is prescribing right now anyway. So I guess it's about meds time, and that I'm never going finish my niece's fleece car seat sack. Ever. Oh well, maybe I can glue it together. The sewing should be fast, I'm just sleeping all the time I'm not working it seems like.
That's the other issue right now; I get very anxious about what I "should" have done and that isn't helping. Things can wait, life goes on. This weekend I'll be up on Saturday anyway because I'm taking my cat back to the vet. She's losing weight much more rapidly than I thought and eating like a horse. This says to me that maybe it's NOT her kidneys and so I'm seeing the vet that I know and like from when he cared for my poor cat that was killed by being fat and then not eating because of a bowel obstruction, because fat cats' livers shut down if they don't eat and they die frequently from that. We tried everything but he died, and I trust this vet a lot because of how humane he was then. No matter what is wrong with Anna if it can be slowed or she can be comfortable I'm all for treating, but if it is treatment with decreased quality of life I will just take her home again knowing the time with her will be shorter than I hoped when she was diagnosed. And he'll support that, and if the day comes that euthenasia is part of the experience (please God no) then he will do that with dignity for both of us as well (meaning he'll be doing it in one weird position because if she is going to go that was it WILL be in her favorite position. We'll both lie on tbe the table on a blanket and she'll be in the crook of my arm. And I know this vet will allow that).
Which shows how emotionally unstable I am; just those words has me crying and she'd FINE right now, just losing weight, eating too much and has had a few accidents and noticeably smellier pee.
Like I said, time for meds and bed. Obviously.