I really didn't want to go see Dr. Mind today. I was so, so tired. Tired as in I took a 45 minute nap, something I never, ever do. But I went, because I needed to talk about what I did this week, and we had a really, really good session. The truly awesome thing is that he was actually called out for some consulting thing at my appointment time today and when he realized it was me he remembered last week and decided I was more emergent. He said he had a feeling. He was right. He had no clue I had any intention of sending the note(s) to my sister; I wasn't ready when I left there.
It was a very positive session, yet I cried though a lot of it. Sending those notes to my sister (I sent a 2nd one, promising that Anne will never see me out of control and that while I hope Anne grows up with an age appropriate understanding of what is wrong with Aunt Jen, the ultimate answer to Anne's questions will come when she wants to know why Aunt Jen doesn't have children, and the answer, the only answer although it will have to be taken out of religious context, is that God wanted me to be able to love Anne even nore that I would otherwise.) My sister didn't answer that yet, whether because it's hard to find an answer or she doesn't know how to trust that or whatever, but I don't care, I said what I needed to say.
Usually I only will say "I've made great gains" if Dr. Mind makes me. Today I talked about them myself. We talked about the session about 3 years ago where he sat me down and basically said "I'm going to talk now and then we'll discuss it" and told me that I had to make a choice, that if I could trust him and Dr. Brain that I could get better. And after consideration I agreed and they consulted and decided to heavily treat my anxiety for a while, so that I took 4 low-dose antihistamines daily to keep me relaxed plus ativan for sleep plus my other meds. I promised to be very faithful with all 4 doses and I think we did that for about 6-8 months. And ultimately I did start trusting him (and her although trust is less of an issue with her) and then we started dealing with my past. I had no idea how much my past still hurt, and how no matter how much I dealt with more bubbled up to the surface. I told him that I think the bubbling up is slowing and that while I have memories I only partially have or things I don't remember I don't think I'll remember those things and so finally the amount of my past coming to the surface is adding to a growing pile. Not that I don't like not remembering, but there's not much I can do about that and I now accept that I may not want to know some things.
But today, I think for the first time ever, I talked about how I realized this weekend that a year ago I began crashing rapidly into the disaster that signed commitment papers and spent 10 dayss on a locked unit, so afraid of my suicidal feelings I threw a paperclip into a heating vent. And for several months after that things were really, really hard. But after that I've done some of the best things I've ever done for myself in that I've talked about the hardest things I've had to deal with and the pain that accompanied them. I've shared details I can't even say out loud. And while I may be getting through an episode and I may have had a hard time for a while here I also have come out able to start to re-establish my place in the world rather than blindly bouncing around. And now I'm starting to work on my own role in what hurt me, adn making myself see that I may have misinterpreted things along the way.
So overall I'm doing well. Tired, very, very tired in fact because these recent sessions are draining, but thank God Dr. Mind had the intuition to see me and I forced myself to have the energy to do it, because this may have been one of the best sessions ever.
(ETA: so well I fell asleep before hitting the post button)