Catching you up

I haven't posted much lately.  Basically I'm sleeping and working and that's it.  I'm still not feeling very good and the depression is ongoing as well.  I'm not a highly functional person right now.  As much as I love work it is too much right now and I have to stick it out until Christmas weekend before I can rest much.

I am responding a little to the meds I'm on.  The coughing is less and more in clusters now than it was a week ago when it was every second.  But it's still with me and until it is gone and stays gone a while I won't trust it much; I've responded partially to antibiotics at least 2 other times then gotten sick again.  I will say I MUCH prefer the 30 seconds of bad taste in my mouth from Spiriva to 60 minute nebulizer treatments.  Everyone seems to agree that I can't take this much longer and everyone wants to avoid the next step.  But I've expressed my wishes now to do steroids to both doctors if this fails.  So that would mean going to the hospital right around Christmas.  Or even for Christmas which sucks for messing up Christmas for my family but if I went the day I see Dr. Body (the 23rd) then I might not miss as much work.  At least I'll know by then how I'm doing so I can be prepared.

I talked to Dr. Brain about hospitalization today.  To my great relief I'll be able to be on a medical floor with a consulting psychiatrist who will give PRNs to keep me sedated as needed.  She said I could do it closer to home but my preference is to be at the hospital where I see her.  For one thing she has influence over the psychiatrists there.  For another I am afraid of the psychiatrists in the city where I would be if not where she is.  They did some pretty horrible things prior to my diagnosing myself and finding real help and I don't want those doctors.  A lot of them also refused to take me on their regular caseload without even assessing me, just based on my diagnosis.  And I have less and less trust in doctor's ability to understand my needs after having arguments with doctor's who don't seem to know what an MAOI even IS.  No matter what happens if I'm near her I can reach her and she can talk to whomever is treating me; she said she doesn't do hospital consults but her office is with the people who do.  So that's going to be the plan.

Psychiatrically I'm not in great shape.  This has worn on me badly and so I am depressed, but I feel even worse than I probably am because in my mind being tired like this is a WARNING!  NOTIFY TREATMENT TEAM AND BE ON ALERT and in reality a great deal of the fatigue is physical.  However, being sick for so long is scary and makes me feel powerless and so that does not make this easier.  Counting the period of runny nose for several weeks before whooping cough (that I called allergies) I've been sick for almost 2 months now.  I also have not slept well in all that time because I can't get comfortable and I think I wake up coughing frequently and reposition myself but I am so sedated at night that it is impossible to know that for sure; I do lots of things at night in my sleep.

Partly I feel bad psychiatrically because I'm not myself.  I hate shifting patients around to different days and then working a weird schedule.  I hate that I'm forgetting things and messing things up at work.  I hate that my patients aren't getting the energetic therapist they deserve.  My house is horribly messy/basically dirty.  My mom is going to try to come help tomorrow but may be held back by snow.  I hate that I am not working at my usual rate, some of which is my fault and some of which is not. I'm too tired to cook and most things don't appeal and I'm gaining weight to show it.  And the thing that would help the most is a Seroquel boost.  I did this last weekend and it helped, but since then I've been so incredibly tired I've had to cut my Seroquel and klonopin doses just to get out of bed.  Tonight I took the dose I need at 6:30 pm so hopefully I'll sleep by 8 or so and be ready to work on time.

I look sick.  I always have fair skin. Now I have pale,pale skin that is flushed from heat, cold, fever or the exertion of coughing.    Today I noticed that even my hair doesn't look like it feels good.

So, there is a tiny bit of positive news and the rest of the news is that I am struggling hard to make it through this and that's pretty hard when you don't even know what it IS.

I don't think there is a whole lot else I can say right now.  Well, especially right now as the meds are doing their thing and I need to set alarm clocks, feed cats and get snuggled up.

Hopefully I will be able to think well enough to not be so quiet except for medical updates soon.