Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Bipolar soup

You know how in the winter you make soup that you kind of throw everything in the pot and cook?  I hope?  Just me (ha, pun, surprise)?

Anyway, that's what things are like right now.  I am severely anxious.  That much is certain.  I am also exhausted, physically not well, and I feel depressed.  Yet today I had some quiet time to think (of the 4.5 whole hours I made it between really getting up for the day and going back to bed because I'm more comfortable here?

With bipolar, even with mixed episodes, I'm pretty good at knowing what is going on.  I'm learning, with asthma, to do the same.  I can't predict good and bad days at all with asthma but when one starts I know how to react.  Which really is true with bipolar, although with it sometimes I can guess ahead what is coming.  But right now?  I am like that soup.  I am so tired.  Could be depression, could be physical.  I cry.  At anything.  Yet I don't cry like I am depressed; I just find tears running down my face.  I sleep like crazy, but I don't feel well and the most comfortable position puts me laying down which adds to the sleepiness.

Today I got to spend a wonderful 2 hours outside on my mother's deck.  Because I can't be in the heat I have only had a few times I've been outside for more than 5 minutes in the last few months.  It feels so good and I found a way to sit comfortably enough in a deck chair.  That was a wonderful thing.  Yet sitting wears me out.  I came in to bed about 8:45 and am still awake mainly because I haven't taken my pills yet because the work best if I take them precisely at the same time daily.  I was so lazy today that I didn't drive up to feed my own cats; I left them a lot of food yesterday but b/c the one cat eats so much I did intend to go up.  But I didn't actually feel like it, so I didn't.

I remember back in the first week of November my washer or dryer broke.  I simply went the extra 30 minutes to the store after work and bought a new one.  About 3 days later I had whooping cough.  I am truly amazed now that I could do such a simple thing; now going to the store for anything practically requires a day off work to rest first.

My brain says depression.  My logic says "sick, anxious, depression not so bad".  Dr. Mind will agree.  He also will be very big on anti-anxiety activities that I don't CARE about because well, depression.  See the weirdness?  And now I've sat too long in the wrong position and it's time to lay back down.  I hate my right ovary.  There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

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