I saw Dr. Mind tonight. We talked a lot about plans and making decisions that keep me home and safe instead of dragging to group in the hospital when I can't sit upright comfortably. His greatest-and very correct- concern is that I will do as I have in the past, telling him that I need to be off work but want to work 4 more days. This makes me much more ill than if I stopped when I knew it was time. I told him that knowing that stress means the difference between hospital and home makes me much more willing to stop work the day I realize it is too much or that he tells me it is too much.
This means I need to go through these next few weeks with the attitude of waiting to feel my symptoms are making it hard and then stopping, not waiting to be forced to stop or to meet some crazy goal I set. Which is where you come in: if you see me do that or even THINK you see me do that you can leave a comment telling me so. Often what I say with Dr. Mind came out here first and if you see me digging a hole that sends me to the 6N "spa" (Dr Mind's euphemism) please say something. I won't be upset, trusting that I will catch myself doing this is pretty hard as I've struggled with that for as long as I have had this. This time it is more important than ever though because for one thing I need the confidence of handling this correctly, and for another I need desperately to stay out of the psych unit. If I wind up there I hope it is for only a few days pre-op.
I told Dr. Mind that I think the key is to think backwards. Normally I'd be saying I really hope to stay working until about a week before. This time I'm thinking more "I already don't feel good and so I may have to stop when it hits my system that a change has occurred, so it is likely I'll be off in early August. It feels odd to try to be less positive instead of more positive but I need to make myself see clearly and be very open with Dr. Mind so he can say stop and get me off work the minute it seems needed.
Like I said, no feelings will be hurt if you tell me I'm making excuses to keep working.
And now I seem to be falling asleep.