Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, July 11, 2011

Pure irritability

I keep getting asked if I am irritable.  I keep saying no.  I am LYING.  I am so, so irritable.  And I've just become a truly dreadful person.

I am really not feeling well.  My body is acting like it at 4 different places in the hormone cycle at once.  I am in pain pretty much constantly.  If I rest it's discomfort, if I am active it hurts.  By the end of the work day it plain hurt.  Like most people, pain makes me grouchy.  I'm also so incredibly tired.  And my belly is so big that the sweats I'm wearing right now are about 4 sizes above my usual and they fit.

So this really started last week when my mother came up to gather up a bunch of plaster board/dust that was triggering asthma attacks.  I knew she'd be unable to stand my messy house, and that no reason for it to be messy would be valid, including "I have been sick or in pain for 10 months.  Deal with it".  So when she called I knew it would be criticism couched in something else.  Her choice was to keep saying " you know I love you, right?" while I kept saying "what".  Nothing good is cloaked in those words.  So then it's all about how she'll help but after this "we" meaning me have to hire a housekeeper.  I pointed out that when not sick I've done fine, that I've been improving things gradually  over the last month or so but it's slow, and that I cannot afford a housekeeper and do not want one.  So she's helped get part of my house cleaned up and then things have to be moved around to do more.  I appreciate this, I really do, because I can't do it.

But...constant veiled criticism gets really old really fast.  And then there was the move tonight.  She called last night to tell me that I had to be home for a bit tonight to help her move a present.  I told her it was a bad night because I have to leave at 6:45 AM and so all paperwork must be done tonight and that tomorrow is better.  This was ignored totally.  I got supper on the way home which she said she'd pay for.  We ate and then despite the fact I couldn't sit up straight we lugged in a piece of furniture she got me.  Which I needed and was very nice of her but I can't be lifting furniture right now.  Then she wanted to arrange things to make it fit, which I pretty much totally refused to  do.  So she left with the comment that it looked crappy but could be improved.   Thanks.  I'm sorry I'm in pain but I did not choose this. She also doesn't like where my ironing board is.  I like it there.  It's convenient and I have limited options.  Then she told me to come out get the $ for supper.  She started to leave and I stopped and asked for the money.  I absolutely wouldn't have bought supper on my dime tonight as I have about enough to maybe squeak through the week on  until I get paid.  So I said something about sorry but I can't afford anything like that right now and she told me she can't either.  So now I have a present that I like but don't have the energy or time to dote on and now I feel guilty because she bought it, AND I feel guilty that she bought supper when she said she wanted to.  And I hurt badly because heavy lifting is so not what I need right now.

So now I've managed to make her act as if I am ungrateful, wimpy, lazy, gross, and demanding in one week.  And none of that is true.  She is trying to dictate how to manage MY home, MY health problems, and MY life.

And let's not even start on the surgery thing....I am not supposed to be alone for 24 hours.  My initial response was that we'd tell them fine but that I would stay alone that night.   After the laparoscopy was added I changed my mind a bit after reading about it, and if my asthma doesn't land me in the hospital for the first night I really want her to stay here.  I know she wants me to go to her house, but my room there is upstairs, and besides that I want to be in my bed, in my house, with my cats.  She refuses to commit to anything until after the operation.  This is making me crazy since I need a sense of control.   Yes, that means 2 nights of using dog sitter.  I'm sorry, and yes I'll probably just sleep but if I don't and have no help it could be bad.  I feel horrible that I'm inconveniencing her by having multiple surgical procedures done at once.  Or by not feeling well on the way to doing this.  Her first reaction to hearing I had to go off the MAOI was to comment on how there isn't anyone to replace me at work. Have I not THOUGHT of this?  Do I not feel AWFUL?  But I have to get well before I'm good for anything.  Guilt doesn't help, I feel plenty of my own.

And now, thanks to lifting furniture, I'm reversing everything I want to do tonight and taking Vicodin and meds and going to sleep and then I'll work like crazy to get things done in time to leave tomorrow.

I swear that woman has a built-in control for finding ways to make me feel worse when I'm down.  Or for making everything MY FAULT.  Does she think I  have CHOSEN the ovary of doom?  Because truly I did not seek this thing out.  It hurts so much, is getting worse, I'm so tired I could sleep all day every day, and I don't even start tapering the MAOI for 2 weeks and won't feel bad for at least 3 which means 3 weeks of pulling myself around in pain.

I know I am putting the worst possible spin on all of this and that she means well. BUt she has no ability to handle my not feeling well because she never acknowledged such things in us as children, and as an adult she has no frame of reference.  So instead of doing what helps me it become about what she wants.  What she wanted tonight was a bigger, happier reaction but honestly all I could think was how do I lift at least 75 lbs when I can't sit upright?  And that's a decision I should not have had to make.

She's wrong, I'm wrong, everything is wrong. And now I need to find a way to get to sleep.  Which means moving.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that many things are so lousy right now. You're absolutely correct about the boundaries that you want to set with your mother. She shouldn't be acting the way she is...I'm a mother of adult kids, too, and I can say that with confidence.

Keep telling yourself the truth. You're doing a good job so far.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're oppressed by so many things. I hope you can take comfort in finding reasons for praise in the midst of all the challenges you face. Sending love, M.

"I will praise the LORD at all times.

I will constantly speak His praises.

I will boast only in the LORD;

Let all who are discouraged take heart.

Come, let us tell of the LORD's greatness;

let us exalt His name together.

I prayed to the LORD and He answered me,

freeing me from all my fears."

Psalm 34: 1-4

Anonymous said...

Jen - I've been out of town. Will catch up with you tomorrow!

Jean Grey said...

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry that it is the way it is with your mom. I'm about to go on vacation with my mom, and wondering if this is one big mistake. Well, the part I am really dreading is her seeing the state of my apartment. I don't know how much I am going to be able to get it cleaned before she comes...