It's been a rough few days. I was up all night last night crying and yes, mourning. I was manic and so agitated that nothing could settle me down. When you can't read, can't follow a movie that would be a bad choice anyway since noise agitates you, you can't focus well enough to do most things that might distract you but at this point are more likely to just make you more upset because it's another thing you can't do, agitation is tough. If I could follow instructions it would be better, but I can't, eliminating things that traditionally calm me, like sewing or cooking. I live in a really safe place but PTSD says no walks around the block at 3 AM. (In college I was also in a safe town and then I did go for walks late at night, usually with a friend who also had PTSD. We had a policeman stop us and give us a lecture on how dumb we were being once). So I did everything I could to settle including taking some additional klonopin. I was able to settle into knitting for a while and as "night" ended I finally fell asleep. My knitting made me think a great deal. I have a ton of hats ready to wash and send. The problem that washing and sending involves quite a bit of concentration. So I keep making mental excuses to make more. Yesterday something made me realize thatI needed some hats that were smaller. Much smaller. Some of the babies the charity helps are born at 32 weeks and since many will be small the hats are just too big. Unfortunately I can only make them shorter, not smaller in diameter.
I think that the reality of my life right now is becoming more clear. I've avoided it as long as I can but it's time. I guess. I am reaching the point where it is a year since I was ok. It's one thing to think "I've been in bad shape for 6 months" and another to say "my life has been out of control for a year...15 months......5 years........whatever, and at this point that is all I can see in the future. I don't want to reach places where there are comparisons that make last year vastly different from this. I have a few months yet although April is when things got more difficu;t initially the best I can remember. But soon it will be July and the day my niece turns 2 is the anniversary of a huge panic attack that I think was my body's way of saying "too much!" and about 2 weeks after that will be the last day that I worked.
Because of the proximity to my niece's birthday I can watch this march only one way: directly. She is getting older and I can't avoid seeing that. In fact the other day at my mom's she kept picking up the wii remote, pressing the button until it flashed, then talking into saying "Jen? Jen? How are you?" giggle giggle repeat. Let's just say when I started really getting sick she could not do that. A month ago she couldn't really have done that.
I did think to scrawl some of this down last night so if I can read the writing from the tears Dr. Mind can maybe help. I don't know. If nothing else he can be kind because like everything that hurts right now this stuff makes me go back to wanting to not live and not experience this kind of hurt. And that is something I truly am tired of.
I am not sure that I've faced too many things that I couldn't feel that an end was in sight. This time there isn't one. It's weird. And not pleasant. I am the person who had a countdown going for about 500 days until finishing grad school. And now there is no countdown.
Anyway, time to mentally do something else. No need to get all teary at this time again.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com