It is scary not knowing what the future holds, not having a life plan. Can you give yourself permission to drift for a while? I have reached the ripe old age of 45, which seems to have given me license to tell people how young they are, and you are. You have lots of time ahead of you. Plenty of time to figure out a new path, a new role (to use OT speak), or maybe even return to OT in some capacity. But you don't have to do it now. Now you have to heal yourself.I don't know why drifting is so hard. At this point I know I can't work and really can't do much of anything at all. As my depression has become a monster mixed episode (it may be that it was diagnosed as mixed for months but all I have cared about is the depression) I have to change what I was used to. It took so many months--and going back to work and failing, followed by a suicide plan--to realize that I just can't work. For now is tacked on there but I don't know that. I ran through every job I could think of that I could reasonably get around here in the next while. Summary: I nope I can do some OT. Not now, I can't focus enough to not make terrible mistakes and I'm too irritable to be polite, but someday. I really want to work PRN just a few hours a month. I have to get better first.
Maybe that's it: Getting better is less drifting than it is really hard work. I was drowning for so long and now that my mood is swinging crazily around when I have a few moments that I don't think I'm going to die from depression that I am working really hard in those minutes on some very basic things, like what day it is, what time is it, did I remember lunch, is there at least one clean pair of underwear in the house, how many days ago did I shower, where is that piece of paper that tells me what I'm supposed to do for counseling, what else might I be able to eat besides sandwiches, cereal and frozen stuff without burning the house down, etc. I think I'm at a point where I'm constantly trying to both adjust to where I am right now, knowing that this may change totally in an hour or even 5 minutes, but also I have to be so careful because not only is the suicidal risk still present the accidental injury risk is way high. Just in the last few days I have stepped on a plastic thing the cat had been playing with with the arch of my foot, bruising it and making orthotics painful; stepped down from something after fixing curtains that fell down and my ankle turned all the way, then all the way out, narrowly risking injury and demonstrating how badly torn my ligaments are, and I stepped on something, slipped and very nearly fell last night. Paying attention to what I am doing requires concentrated effort and being safe is still a work in progress requiring a lot of help.
I guess what I'm saying is that life is such a struggle right now that it takes constant fighting to function minimally and I find myself either exhausted by that or wanting to find a way to make it stop being so hard. I think I succeeded for so long at making myself do things I wanted to do whether it was a good idea that I was really capable of handling for so long that now I know that I can't do many things I used to or want to and have this vague idea I need to fill in that time, without remembering that I don't have time to fill because that time is filled with trying to survive, whether than it grabbing a couple hours of sleep in the late morning/early afternoon, going to see Dr. Mind, working all night on calming enough to sleep, or fighting to get my clothes washed and dried before they mildew in the machine and have to be re-washed. Those things are huge efforts right now but my brain wants to have a more normal thought pattern that I am not capable of managing. A routine I guess.
So I don't have a good answer except that yes, that would be easier but I'm pretty sure it's beyond me, at least right now.
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