Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, March 26, 2012

Oh the mania

It's 3:30 AM.  At least 90 minutes ago I turned out the light, rolled on my side and tried to get to sleep.  You'll notice it did not work.  I think I am more aware now of how manic I am, which is something I guess.  I wish I could keep up with the thoughts to try to write them.  There are fragments from at least 2, maybe 3 songs that run constantly.  I only sort of recognize one of them; the other two are probably something like background music from somewhere, like elevator music.  The thoughts are so fast that they are fragments.  It is hard to write because I have to sort out what I'm trying to say from a wide variety of thoughts.  There is so much competition in my head to be THE thought that instead there are only fragments.  Some are more visual images that explain the whole thought.  For example I keep visualizing talking to the hospital psychiatrist.  And there are mixed up thoughts from one of the hospital programs versus what Dr. Mind is telling me.  There are the thoughts I'm not supposed to have about what I did wrong.  Then there are thoughts scolding those thoughts away.  There's some bizarre need to think through how to spend food stamps in April.  There are lot of thoughts about how tired I am and how much I need sleep and how much I hate myself because I can't sleep.  I took extra klonopin.  I really, really need something more.  And the chances of that happening are slim.  It used to be Dr. Body would give me something but I know he won't now because my meds are too complex.  I think the worst part is having my brain tell me over and over and over how tired it is but it won't SHUT UP and let me sleep.  Noises are making me crazy, including my own breathing.  Not sure how to avoid that.When I had the lights out some little green light was blinking on my computer to show it was charging; even covering it didn't make it stop until I unplugged it.  my phone was charging and beeped a minute ago.  I just and went into fight or flight before I knew what it was.  Time to try again.  This time if it doesn't settle I will have to sleep on the couch.  Which is sooooooo uncomfortable compared to my nice, cozy memory foam and full weighted blanket (the couch has the hospital/travel blanket that is half the weight).  Last night i was on the couch for a hwile and actually woke up having kicked everything off and freezing cold.

I hope this works.  I am so very tired..

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Anonymous said...

Good Morning Jen!

And I DO hope it is a GOOD morning for you - that you finally got a good rest with no nightmares.

Your description of manic is so good, it's bad. I mean, you wrote so that I could fully understand where you are at and how your mania works. It is truly horrible. I think it's the first time in all these years that I have a glimpse into your mind.

Your soul? Every day I see your loving heart and soul, sweet Jen. That's why we all care so much about you. It shines through even when you are in the worst of times.

Oh, how I wish I had the magic to take this away from you. Or, the words to make you feel better. I pray you will find peace today. However it comes, I am praying for peace and calm for your tired body and busy mind.


Michal Ann said...

I am just taking a quick peak at your words this morning on my way to clinic. I'm snowed under, absorbing yesterday's profound experience at the cadaver lab and trying to prepare for numerous finals this week. My mind gets spinning, too, just enough to help me empathize with you, my dear Jen.

I want to "ditto" Becky's wonderful note.

Love and prayers that today will be a breakthrough rainbow shift,


Lurid said...

Dude, that totally sums it up. Shazam.

Too bad our brains don't have that "hibernate" option our computers have. Nice little reset.

Good luck fighting the beast. It will get better. For real.

Michal Ann said...

Yike! I LOVE the encouraging message but don't much care for Lurid's profile picture. I wrote to ask "why?"

I am so concerned about you. It's amazing that you can write so effectively at this time. Please Lord, let sweet Jen feel soothing comfort and warmth. Fill her body, soul, mind, will, emotions and spirit with peace. Lord, rule over darkness and agitation and align every part of her in Divine order by Your mighty strength and limitless love.

Please bring resurrection power to conquer confusion, pain and disorder. I ask these things in the name of Jesus, for His glory.

Goodnight dear friend. It will be a long study session tonight but I will not forget you.

((((warm hugs))))