Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, March 16, 2012


When Dr. Mind first told me that I had no choice but to eventually face the feelings I have about my recent losses I declined.  I was afraid of the strong feelings.  And then, gradually, they've come out.  I'm still scared and it is still slow.  It's a horribly tearful time and I pretty much make sure I'm near tissues at all times.  Jean Grey mentioned this today on my last post and she's right.

I don't know my way through this part of my life.  I am not sure I'm even past the entrance, because I really am not doing well with pretty much any reminder that this change has happened.  Even seeing spring begin and flowers bloom hurts because a year ago that meant the end of so many difficult things in the life of a home health practitioner.  Summer has definite bad points but winter is tough, especially in rural, icy mountains. This time it's hard to think of spring as a new beginning or anything more than the next season that I can't work anymore.  It's not that I don't see good things, it is that my depression and sadness are too great to care all that much.

I don't know my way into the grief.  And it is scary.  Yet every once in a while I get hit so very hard that I don't have a choice but to face it.  Oddly I keep picking things to read or once a movie to watch for a while (I've given up on more than segments of movies; books at least it is normal to stop many times in even a few minutes) that include someone with a disability that is taking away their job.  I think this has happened 3 or 4 times now.  I wish I could say that this lets me jump in and face the pain.  It doesn't.  But it does remind me I'm not entirely alone in experiencing this, even if the other people happen to be fictional.

However I have no idea how to do this.  I think it would help if I knew that like so many things I'd feel better if I just did it, but the truth is that I very well may not.  I also don't usually have to try to deal with things with knowing that they could make the suicidal tendencies increase.  I had a bout of that last night that was unpleasant and avoidance is still easier than trying to face those things without a doctor there.  I think that getting to a point of acceptance is also hard to have as a goal because I do not care to accept this.  I much preferred those months that I grabbed at so many med options hoping for success.  But instead I was grabbing at straws.  I still hope that we find something that helps.  At the same time I know how many meds I've been on, how many cocktails have been tried, and the simple fact is there isn't much we can do.  Dr. Brain told me the other day that she'd heard the Guru speak and that even he wasn't aware of anything new.  Dr. Brain warned me years ago that this happens for people like me who don't tolerate/respond to meds well.  I just thought I'd moved past the risk when something worked.  I do know that ultimately something will help me.  I just don't know how to hang on until that happens as well as coping with the losses.

I think the very simple way to say it is:  when I was a little girl I wanted to be different things at different times.  I wanted to be an astronaut for years until I realized that being afraid of heights might not work well.  I wanted to be a teacher, writer, and then settled firmly on teacher for many years until I was in college and realized that it wasn't right for me at all.  I wanted to be a mother with lots of kids.
And then right up until grad school applications were due I fought a hard battle with desires to be a therapist, an OT or a psychologist with a specialization in behavior management for individuals with special needs.  OT won out in the end and it was great while it lasted.  The thing is that there was never once a time that I even thought there was a chance I would wind up here, too depressed and too manic by turns to function with even the most simple things.  I never saw my life being confined to treatment and my bedroom because the world was too much to face.

I don't know how to mourn for losing everything I thought I was or wanted to be.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Lurid said...

Well that's about the crux of it right there, isn't it?

I think you just put my life story into words.

Just Me said...

I read your blog. I'm sorry things are so hard. I can tell you that after I failed medication after medication, and then unfortunately several antipsychotics, it was an antipsychotic that turned around and gave me my blessed 18 months of wellness. I don't really know how long I was well, but I started improving as soon as we found the right one. If I hadn't had surgery I might still be doing fairly well. But that's something I can't change. Also after my first 3 antipsychotic attempts didn't work out (risperdal was great for me except for the high blood pressure and 20 lbs of fluid), we were very cautious about trying again. I really didn't want Seroquel because i didn't like what I'd seen it do to some patients. It turns out that Serqouel was amazing for a very long time for me; I'm still on it. Everything remotely psychotic went away for quite a while and my moods were much better controlled. I didn't like the thought of those drugs but like them much more than any of the seizure meds or other things I've tried. My favorite combination is antipsychotic, MAOI, benzo, support meds.

I see you're a new blogger. feel free to come back anytime.

Lurid said...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I went unmedicated for 8 years (having had very negative med experiences before that). Then things got so bad last summer that I finally got to the point of admitting I couldn't handle it and needed medical intervention. I started lamictal, which has worked like a dream up till about a month ago. So this medicating thing is like going back to an ex, ha ha.

I saw your med list on your other blog. Holy smokes. I'm glad you found something that works for you. It's encouraging to see these drugs working for people. I have two close friends with bipolar 1 (random how you gravitate toward people in life without knowing why, then it becomes clear later) who have had pretty negative experiences with a lot of these medications.

I was interested to read that you felt lamcitcal had made you a little too "up." I've read that in other places as well, but when I asked my psychiatrist if it was possible that it was causing my hypomania/mania, since I had never had it for such an enduring period of time before starting lamictal, he said no, that wasn't possible.

Starting to think I really need to ditch this guy.

Anyway. Thanks for taking the time to answer my foolishness.