Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, March 23, 2012


I have officially graduated from my NAMI class.  Next week we start our support group.  I'm a bit sad about that part because I'm already in the area 2 days/week and the one day Dr. Mind doesn't see patients is the day of this group.  That would be fine, and was actually the hope that I'd have 3 days of activity originally but with gas prices so high this will be tricky. They're going to work with me though.  I may just have some  weeks I can't go.  Someday in a land I can't imagine I hope that I'll see Dr. Mind only weekly.  But that's too far off to consider.

I'm struggling with a new concept tonight.  Basically I keep trying to see what did I do wrong.  How did I not see how sick I was getting until it got much, much worse.  Etc.  Dr. Mind was extremely firm that I not do this, that punishing myself for getting sick doesn't help.  I said it was because I'm afraid because I did miss something huge.  He says that we can talk about that fear as long as I need to but I can't blame myself.  Later he laughed and asked if I was going to come back and accuse him of yelling in a few weeks, because I tend to try to point these things out (even though really he yelled at me (and yelled is an exaggeration) and he should have then)  and he had raised his voice a bit. I started crying and had trouble explaining because my thinking was so manic that at one point I had 3 seperate thoughts at the same time that I could identify, and all were moving fast.   I told him only if I needed something to make him feel guilty.  It was a very nice change to actually joke about something that is from our shared history.  Slight connection or something.  20 seconds of my day but they were better than most 20 seconds.  And like it or not on his part guilt is not done yet.  Not because I want to beat myself up but because guilt is part of loss and it just is where I'm at right now.  This seems fair enough since at least guilt is a feeling instead of numbness, and I can't help that it is so much to try to handle.

OK, I was up until 5, awake by 10:30 and have been on the go since.  I think I'll try out this sleep thing.  Maybe 1:30 tonight?  Depends on where I cycle when.

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1 comment:

Lurid said...

Wow, I did not know of the existence of NAMI. I will have to look into it. Frustrating that the timing of it isn't working out that well for you.

It is really hard to not blame yourself, and I wish you strength in your struggle against it. I was raised Catholic and I cart around this huge sack of Catholic guilt I don't think I'll ever get over. But it does have its uses--it has made me a very sympathetic person. One of the things in a parenting book I read once suggested making a list of what you feel are negative attributes and finding the positive in them--so for example, if you think you're too picky, the strength in that is that you're a discerning person who knows what you want. Or if you think you did something wrong, it means you're willing to search for and admit to your mistakes, because you have a strong ethical code that requires you to be honest (which is good). The trick is to not let those infernal "shoulds" creep in.

Funny you're writing about 20 seconds the same time I am :)