Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, July 06, 2012

Mania questions

Michal asks:

Are you aware that you're being driven by mania as it happens? It seems you're memorizing every move as it unfolds. I NEED to do exactly what you're doing...but you're doing it without pause, rest? food? drink? meds? Can you apply the brakes or do you "want" the rush as it happens?

Which are great questions.  I am not usually aware for a while.  It is usually when I glance at a clock and realize that it is 2:15 AM and that somewhere hours ago I became obsessed with making bean bags for my niece.  (That's tonight).  At the same time my mind is trained to kind of follow what I am doing and evaluate "is this reasonable"?  That usually gets it well into the episode the first time it happens and then when I'm aware I am manic and need to be cautious I catch things a little faster.  Sometimes it takes something like realizing I'm starving or haven't peed in 6 hours or that it is suddenly dark out to make me pay attention.

I am careful to track what I'm doing to the best of my ability.  This is because I get to doing so many things that eventually I'm going to lose something or have another problem.  So when I know that I'm running around manically I try to think about where I am and what I am doing a little.  This time I cheated and made some notes so I could write that although mostly I did it from memory and I think I forgot at least one weird activity.

It's not an effective way to get things done.  I mean, I was so distracted it took hours to make my bed.  And there's no telling what I will discover I moved around in a few days.  It also is not good for you.  Dr. Mind sent me home today with orders to go home and go to bed.  I did and napped for an hour eventually.  Not enough to break the mania but enough to feel somewhat better.  The only reason I think he did that was that I was initially saying "manic" and looking fine.  After he heard me talk for a while he could hear it, but because my headache was so bad last night and I had several muscle relaxers I looked a lot calmer than I was.

Mania for me does not feel good.  Very, very rarely it does and then I want to keep it, but usually I have what is called dysphoric mania, where it makes me hyper and tired and grumpy.  That is probably because I usually rapidly transition to a mixed (mania and depression together) pretty quickly and mixed is just bad.  Mixed I can't use words to describe.  Mental health professionals considered mixed episodes to be one of the hardest things people go through.

The other thing that I have to watch is we all have lists of things we need to do, sort, etc.  If I start tasks that I don't HAVE to do and become obsessed with them (ie cleaning out my entertainment center drawers) and insisting I must find this brown velvet bag that could be anywhere in the house, and I feel compelled to do this without stopping then that's a good sign of mania.  When I'm allowed sharp things I have a tendency to take on home projects that I will put off for months before mania makes me trying them.  Often they aren't wise choices, which is why I would be hard put to even try such a thing just now.

And the truth is that I get so many things partially started I usually make a worse mess.  I have VCR tapes stacked on my living room floor now because they need to go to goodwill but should go with the rest of the tapes which are in the basement.

And now I am going to start trying to relax and sleep.  I have another headache, probably from being overly tired and I'm hoping if I read for a while it will just disappear as I fall asleep.  We'll see; I've not been getting sleepy anywhere near 2:30 AM in a while.

This mania, by the way, is always a bit easier for me to follow because it was predictable.  I'm dreading the next step with Dr. Mind.  I identified the need and know it's important, but it will not be fun.  Mania delays things, so hopefully Monday I'll settle down a bit.  I also am feeling a lot of stress as I'm having ongoing pelvic pain, some of which is new, and am finding myself absolutely dreading the next blood bath.  I want to find out if I can get the surgery sooner because waiting doesn't help nor does going through these periods, but I have timing issues because of vacation in November and I agreed to 6 cycles.  But that doesn't mean it can't be sooner.  I think.  I'm just not sure where to go with this.

Now that I'm sewing again some I also have to watch carefully for excesses there.

I love bipolar.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Well, I love YOU! Thanks for the great explanations.

Maybe 6 cycles will mean a lot less than 6 months...no fun, but hey, let's git 'er done. You're in need of healing like the woman who had the hemorrhagic condition for 12 years.

A young friend I've known for about 13 years wrote a song about that woman (and herself) which included the lyrics "Can I touch your cloak O Lord?" I just searched for her and found this link that has clips of her sweet songs, about 20 of them. Beth Whitney has been married to Aaron Fishburn for about 3.5 years and has suffered through treatment for cancer of the saliva glands which is a pretty tough gig for a singer.

Anyway, off on a tangent (or 6!)but I hope you'll be blessed by Beth and my prayers for your healing, comfort and rest. Beth started her guitar playing at 16 when my late family friend/ surrogate uncle LeRoy gave her an instrument. It was God-guided gift! One of Beth's most powerful songs is "Lights Out" about her older brother Jeff who died in his early 20's (car accident). She's a very deep young woman from the most talented family that I think I know. This should lead you to some music clips:


Her mom's site (We're CLOSE friends; she's a little younger than I):


Jeanne is the mother of 6 with a very pretty sweet face and lovely silver hair. She needs a new photo! I can't remember if the site mentions her own musical career or if it just features her painting, sculpture and writing.

Jeff's lovely facebook page is "Remembering Jeff Whitney"

I copied this to save you the trouble. I've never read a more eloquent and unique obituary below under his favorite scripture.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yolk is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Jeff, age 21, stepped into eternity February 12, 2003 at the scene of a car accident. He lingered long enough to send messages of love to his family before he closed his eyes. Suddenly that far off, shimmering heaven crowds around us and we search for a glimpse of what he must now know. Like planted seeds, whose fellow has sprouted before the rest, we wonder what it's like to grow up there in the sunshine, where one knows, as one is known, one's joy is abounded and one's roots unfettered. Jeff goes where his Grammy, great-grandparents, school buddies and his beloved teacher, Steve Campbell, wait to show him the ropes, where Jesus stands to show him the next work for him to do.

We, his parents, Bill and Jeanne Whitney, his brother Peter, his sisters, Anne, Jayne, Beth and Ellen and his grandparents are left to figure out our own electric gadgets, his high school classmates without his visible loyal friendship, his baseball team without #11 and his company without their top Broker.

Trained as an EMT, he was always the one to have your back in an emergency. Now we have him on the other side of the veil working on our behalf. We like to picture him on God's Emergency Rescue squad and we are proud to think of him doing bold and wonderful things just out of our sight.

Though now we feel our hearts may never beat properly again, we trust the God who sees both sides of mortality, for the day when we join him in the unveiled, unclouded and certain light of God's face.

-Jeanne Whitney-


Oh...I did the same thing with books and VHS tapes. I spread them all over when I was dusting the shelves. I'm just "cleaning," i.e., messing up the house. Grrrr...

Off I go...

Love, Michal