Two years ago today was a day I dreaded. Too bad, because it turned out to change my life. I knew that 2 years from tomorrow. But until then I was afraid. I was so excited; I had a meeting at work and passed my boss a note that if my phone went off I had to go take it because I was going to be an aunt any minute. The C-section was delayed a bit and so I wound up seeing patients and explaining I'd have to answer phone calls. I still missed it and so there was this big pause and my mom said "You have a new.....................niece. Her name is "anne but way more unusual" and she is big and chubby with the sweetest face I've ever seen on a newborn. I called her back and "her name is what???" and then fell in love with it. It is perfect for her personality.
I am referring of course to being an aunt. Those who were around then will remember my dread that I wouldn't have any relationship with her because things were so complicated with my sister. Instead I have this wonderful, amazing, loving, funny little girl who actually gasped in delight when her mama surprised her with me on Skype last week when Anna thought it would just be my mom. She lit up and yelled "Aunt Jen!".
There is just so much to love. She says things that are so funny that you wonder where on earth she learned that? She can sing the spelling of her name but is insistent that one letter be substituted where it is not needed. She figures things out. She kissed my mom's cat on the lips. She tried to pick up the 70 lb. dog when it was in her way. She has elaborate tea parties for her dolls and stuffed animals. She tells us she is happy. I've never met someone as easy to love.
During some of the worst times this year, not the worst of the worst because I don't think anything would make me smile, Dr. Mind would make me talk about her because it was the only thing I would show happiness about.
Her existence has fixed my problems with my sister. In reality my sister has become the best person not a dr. in my life at intuitively helping.
She has a celebration today with her parents and the "cake, balloons, and candles" she requested, and then the rest of the family will have a party next Saturday. I can't wait to see the look on her face at 2 dozen bean bags which she won't know what they are or why I'm giving them to her. It's a pretty odd gift if you don't know what they are. Knowing her though (and that she is trying to imitate good social skills) she'll sort through them and show everyone the prints she likes. Later we'll show her how to play.
I love her so much, more than I even knew it was possible to love someone. Dr. Mind pointed out that I am going to get to watch her grow up and see what childhood is supposed to be like versus my memories of trauma. And because she is a good bit like I was at the same age developmentally I can kind of see what was taken from me. Which probably sounds sad but really is something that is good. It is good to see that things that I really hate about myself probably were things I developed to make my life survivable. Sometime soon I'll write about what I have learned in the last few months and especially the last month, about so much. I have finally learned more about what I lost permanently because of what happened, and that the feelings I've refused for so long were real feelings.
I am just glad that this is a happy day instead of the day of pain I feared 2 years ago.
She is so awesome.
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