I saw Dr. Mind today and we talked about what I wrote and about my time spent yelling, crying, and calling someone who has been dead for a long time names. He seemed pretty happy with this but did not make as big of a deal about it as I expected/maybe hoped. I think he was just distracted today. He read what I wrote and we discussed it and that doing this has taken 36 years. We talked about how much safer I feel now than I did a few months ago (fear of people, not suicidalness).
It ended weirdly though. He was giving me a few options about whatt to do next and I really didn't know, still don't know. I don't know if we need to cover one last thing or not. I also am going to the gynecologist the 24th and don't know what I'll need after that. He kind of pushed and I told him that I wasn't being resistive, I just really did not know. He said that he didn't think I was being resistive "this time'. I think.. Which confuses me as I have complained and sometimes cried and begged not to have to do something but I've done what he has asked.
I think he's feeling awkward about transitioning to weekly visits. I'm anxious about this and tend to think we need to know what is happening with surgery before we decide too much. However I also feel ready for weekly to start fairly soon. I think I'm going to decide that i need to cover one more topic, my father, and probably write his "I hate you" letter but it's really nearing the end of this and I think he's anxious about my reaction to cutting back one of the only things in my life that is routine. But I really can fill that time. I'm making Christmas presents this year for obvious reasons and that alone will be a lot of work over the next few months.
Anyway, it went ok, I tend to think I misheard him but will ask next time, and I spent the afternoon and evening canning beans and just got home and need to feed my cat, consume more water (I personally am contributing to this drought) and finish Anne's birthday present. I Skyped with her tonight. Her face when she saw me (a suprise) was precious and if you ask "are you having a birthday this week?" she says "yes!". If you ask how old she is going to be she holds up two fingers crossed like when you are lying but it's ok and says "Two in July!" She asked to skype with Aunt Jen again after her bath. She's not seen me much and until it cools off that will remain true. She is starting to independently play in her bedroom which is too hot for me to be in on these awful days and she's too little to understand why. Hopefully by fall I'll be sleeping normally and will get to see her more. She is the best thing I dreaded having. Dr. Mind said the other day that I will get to watch her and see what the childhood I should have had is like. We've talked a lot about what my reaction to someone hurting her like I was would be and I have no response other than I would kill anyone who hurt her. And I am pretty sure I mean it. But as it is she's a darling, trusting sweet little thing. And I can't believe she is going to be TWO in 4 days!
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