Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Finding the slug

I spent much of today snapping green beans. My mother and I decided to can and freeze as much produce as possible this year, hoping to save money and eat healthier. We have a garden, which she planted and does the maintenance on, and I help harvest. And our garden had a bumper crop of green beans.

I love the preparation phase of canning/freezing. I find something satisfying in shelling peas, snapping beans, etc. Since I'm not able to be outside in the heat to do the care part (although I've helped pick a few times this year in the late evening) I try to do a lot of the part I can and like to do. I find time flies watching a movie or DVD of a favorite show and snapping. In fact it's a great thing because it gives me enough to do that I can watch more than usual.

I had 2 full buckets of beans today. Probably 10-15 lbs. I did one bucket, took a break, and did the other. The 2nd bucket had more beans (smaller, different variety) than the 1st. When I was about 3/4 of the way through I pulled up a bean with something on it. No biggie, probably a leaf or dirt. When I went to brush it off it was a slug. Just a tiny one, but a bit of a surprise nonetheless. I took it outside and released it, although I'm sure it is much less happy in my empty front flower bed than it the bountiful garden.

I was thinking about this, and realized it is symbolic. One of my many problems, which Dr. Mind reminds me of very, very often, is that I have two trust settings. One is distrust. The other is trusting way too much, which inevitably results in my getting hurt. In other words, I go from thinking there is a rattlesnake in the bucket of beans to thinking slugs don't exist. When in reality, it's pretty likely that a slug or other critter can be mixed into all that green goodness.

That's what I did with the last job I lost. One of the things that has been so hard is that the 1st job I lost I knew perfectly well for about a month that I was going to be fired eventually. They were trying as hard as they could to fire me. I also had gone from liking that job to really not liking it quite a while before. This last job, I truly thought things were great. I thought I was doing a good job and that people liked me. Granted, that wasn't helped by having received no negative feedback in a long time, but I made myself believe things were great, aside from some ethical problems with my assistants that I was working on. But things weren't great. I was getting no support on what was a fairly major issue, for one thing. I had even been thinking that if someone didn't show major support in the next week or so that I would leave.

The thing is, I don't think I really did anything wrong. They refused to give me a reason. They also never posted the position. That was a very busy job and there is no way they would not have posted it immediately. So that means they had hired someone before I was let go. Also, they didn't contest my unemployment claim. It's in their best interests to do so, so obviously they felt they didn't have a valid argument. Looking back, I did not see the signs that were there. There was one day that I answered the phone and it was for the manager. She told me that she'd take in the office and she had to lock the door for the conversation. I thought she was talking to someone at the nursing home by the same name as her boss. I am now pretty sure that conversation was the end for me. There also were answers to questions I asked that made little sense. And the whole no-support-for-major-ethical-issue thing. Also, I knew that coverage had been set up for that weekend that was different than any other time before. I thought this was random, but did not ask myself why. I never thought things would go that route. And the major reason why is that my supervisor had always seemed very straightforward and so I trusted that she wouldn't ever lie. She lied to me. A lot. I'm trying to forgive that, but it is so hard.

In fact, as pathetic as this is, that last day when I discovered the not-local manager was there I actually thought "wow, I don't have to worry about getting fired today. Finally." 7 hours later I'd packed up my desk and was trying to not cry until I was away from the building.

So I've made myself a promise. I will not be over-sensitive with this new job. I also will not ignore myself if I feel something is off. And this time I will be more aware of the slugs in life.

I think I know what Dr. Mind and I will be working on, for the next good long time.

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